My car title finally arrived.  I've been looking forward to getting a different car for a while.  I love the one I have, but it doesn't get the greatest gas mileage, and my commute is long.  But, after getting an estimate on my car and looking over my options, I've decided NOT to get something different and stick with what I have.  Yes, I could trade in mine for something with better gas mileage, but it would have to be a car close to as old as mine if I wanted to just trade up.  If I wanted to get something newer (and with even better gas mileage), I'd have to either make payments, which I don't really have the cash flow to do or sell stocks, which seems to defeat the purpose of being economical and not spending money.  My car needs a few things: new wipers, new tires, and maybe new brakes.  Selling it would have meant not dealing with those things, but I'll spend way less money maintaining it than I was going to trading it in for what I felt like were the best options.

...

I have a home inspector and a contractor coming to look at a house on Friday.  It seems like this thing is getting more real.  We still don't have an official offer on it yet, but that should change over the weekend.

...

I spoke with a guy last week about being a mentor, but his schedule was in the mornings or at lunch.  I wasn't really sold on the guy just from our conversations, but the schedule conflict sealed the deal.  I've asked my contact at the church for any other suggestions, but tomorrow will make it a week since I've even heard from him.  Now, I'm a little conflicted because if I try another resource at the church, I don't want to seem like I'm going behind his back.  If I use a resource at another church, part of me will just feel a little fragmented.

...

I've moved on from the car situation.  I'm moving forward on the house situation on Friday (and over the weekend).  I'm going to talk to a couple of connections tomorrow as far as the mentor situation goes.  Until I do those things, I really shouldn't move forward on getting back into the dating game.  Part of me wants to get my car appraised in Austin, and I still might just to have that number established.  It would also give me an opportunity to act, even if it was subtle, and I'm just not sure I want to do that.  I know the timing isn't right, and I would definitely need to feel like it was.

Once again, I find myself in the right place at the wrong time.  In this case, that would be the library when someone has the book I need

...

I started my spiritual directing this week.  The first session went pretty well actually, but I'm looking forward to the next session where it's not so much introduction.  Honestly, I got just as much out of it as he did because he too is dealing with being faithful in the little things.  I'm going to get a prayer journal and start writing.  I've been convicted about the little things lately as well, and I want to be faithful to those things and see how God speaks and works through them.

Our second intramural football game is tonight.  It rained crazy hard last night, so we'll see what the field looks like.  We have 6 people confirmed, so with one more, we will have a full team!  We had one go down last week from pulling his hamstring from not stretching.  I hate to be a mom out there, but we're seriously too old and wise not to be doing that before games.  Either way, even with 6, I'm confident in our abilities.

My arm still hurts, but I think it's getting better.  I've been stretching it multiple times a day, but I can't tell if I'm just strengthening my entire shoulder, so it doesn't have to work as hard or if it's actually improving the muscle.  I'm trying to limit what I do with it, but football and ultimate frisbee definitely make that difficult.

...

Waiting on God...being still...not striving...is hard.  I find myself every day battling this feeling like I need to be planning a course of action, and every day I have to tell myself to stop, to have faith, and to hope.  I think I've been a little hard on myself in that regard in the sense that planning is just anticipating God's working and what I'll do need I can move forward, but there's a fine line between that and being constantly preoccupied with the "what if."

I will say though that I've felt much closer to God lately, and that's something I've been working on.  I've been wanting to be more intimate with Him and to listen better.  I wake up with praise songs in my mind, and I'm in prayer more often when I'm driving or in the spaces between class.  I want to continue to need Him and seek Him in the good and the bad, when I act and when I wait.  Ironically, I had "Don't Wait" by Dashboard Confessional stuck in my head last week, and after a while, I really wanted it out.  Yesterday, He put "Sit With You Awhile" in my head, which was perfect.

"If I could just sit with you awhile, you could just hold me.  Nothing could touch me, though I'm wounded, though I've died."

I still feel a pain from my relationship with Rae, and the closer get to God, the more and more I regret how all that went down.  But, if it taught me one thing, it taught me that I want to be intimate with God.  I want to want Him; I want to talk to Him; I want to seek and think about Him and His Kingdom like I thought/think about a relationship with a woman.  It'll never be quite the same, but He deserves way more attention and affection than I was giving during that time.  The lyrics and timing of that song are perfect, and I love that.

...

That's all I got.

Every morning as a police officer, we were supposed to make sure our traffic radar antennas were functional and accurate.  We were provided two tuning forks that resonated at different frequencies, and they would cause the radar to display a particular speed.  If the speed was off by more than 1 mph from the the fork was tuned for, we would have to get the antennas serviced.

We've been reading about "soul attunement" in my Spiritual Formation class, and it's been enlightening to hear and read on the topic.  If we really believe that we have souls, and we really believe that God created that soul, and we really believe that God can and wants to speak to us, then communicating with God shouldn't be that hard.  And by communicating, I mean dialoguing, not simply talking at God.  Sometimes we are tuned in, and sometimes we are not.

...

Updates:

I met with the YA pastor.  He asked me to be the "Fun Team" leader for the YA ministry.  Not what I was expecting at all, but it fits me great.  I'll be responsible to organizing two events a month to help bring all the young adults together and also help reach young adults that aren't part of a ministry.  I'm honored that I'd be asked to do that, and though I know it'll be a challenge, I'm ready for it.  I've made space, and now God is filling it.  I've also got a lead on a couple of other jobs.  One is at Truett helping in the Spiritual Formation department with Covenant groups.  This would be a cool job in the sense that it's more young adult small groups.  If I want to be a community/small groups pastor, this would be great experience for me.  The other is at the Methodist Children's Home.  I'd essentially be a glorified baby sitter, but the perks are relatively close to campus and insurance.

As my plate has been filling up, my time to think about relationships has as well, though I still find myself imagining ways to reconnect.  I miss our friendship most of all, but I miss alot of the little things, too.  I miss throwing a nasty, chewed-up frisbee to her dog.  I missed playing with her nephews.  I miss "The Wooden Spoon."  I miss her laugh.  I miss plucking out her occasional gray hair.  Every time I catch myself going with that train of thought, I just have to remind myself of a couple of things...

a) I'm not ready yet.  I need to be in a new car, have a good sense of direction on my housing situation, and I need to be in a mentoring relationship.  Emotionally, I'd be ok with going out with someone, getting to know someone.  Those things I mentioned are more artificial barriers than anything, but they are important to how I tell my story and how I invite my community into my relationship, which is something I've not done well in the past.

b) God is working.  He is moving.  He knows my wants, he knows my needs, and He knows how best to fulfill the desires of my heart.  He has resources that I don't even know about.  He has plans that I couldn't even dream up.  There's no need to feel like I have to work more than I do to.

...

My main frustrations have been my lack of control of certain situations, which has also served to remind me to work where I can and not to be anxious where I can't.  My car title still has not been processed.  I had to correct an error on a form that the bank should have caught, so I essentially waited 10 days for nothing.  They corrected it, but even if they get it today, it'll still be two weeks before I get it.  Housing has moved forward a bit.  There's a property that looks promising, but again, moving in would still be a few months away.

I'm trying to listen more.  I'm trying to be in silence more.  Even in going through my head of how I needed to get ready for a relationship, I thought about this lack of a mentor, which I've been actively working on.  But, just as I was thinking about that, the fact that I didn't have one, and the person I emailed hadn't responded over the weekend, I got an email from him wanting to set something up.

"I'm working on it."  I keep hear Him saying.

...

Flag football starts tonight.  I got excited about it just driving to class this morning.  I have no idea if we will have enough to field a team.  I know we will have 5, so that's enough, but I'll be interested to see if we have 7 show up.  Don't even ask me who is playing what.

Fun times

I usually don't post as much when things are going well, but I should, so I will

...

I'm making progress as far as "making room" goes.  My time management this past week wasn't perfect, but it was better.  Tomorrow will be a challenge, but it's one that I know about and can plan around ahead of time.

I'm making progress as far as making room for God goes.  I was at World Mandate this past weekend, and it was great.  The three biggest thing I took away from it were:

1) Simply abide in God.  I've been way too caught up in car, house, class, and extra stuff when i should be abiding in Christ and letting the details sort themselves out.

2) I want to be able to hear God better.  There was a story about an Indian pastor calling out a person in a crowd on 350,00 people.  I have to be a better listener.

3) Stick with it.  Keep moving on.  Press forward.  Don't stop.

...

In other news, I find that I am still thinking of Rae from time to time.  I knew there was a possibility that I would run into at World Mandate.  I prayed about it, that God would prepare my heart should that happen.  She and Whitley were heading out of Dichotomy when the group I was with exited the stairwell from the roof.  I hugged them both, and we chatted a little bit.  I could tell they were leaving though, and it was getting close to time for the other session to start.  I said something like "I'm sure I'll see y'all there."  I wanted to.  I looked for them, but no luck.  I found myself asking God to let us run into each other again...at the Ferrel Center...in the parking lot...wherever.  That did not happen, probably for the best.  I tried messaging them both on Facebook, but it would only let me send to Whitley.

All that to say, I still miss her a bit.  I miss our friendship.  I regret the way I mishandled our relationship.  I want another chance.  The speaker on Saturday was divorced and had married a woman that had rejected his marriage proposal twice.  They looked like they couldn't be happier, and they were doing amazing ministry together.  I want to pick her brain again about us, but everything I go down that path in my head, I hear God say "I am working."  I don't take that to mean He's working on Rae specifically, but that He's working in my situation.  He knows my needs; He knows my desires.  My resolution has been simply to focus on Him and know that all these other things will fall into place.

...

I am meeting with Jared tomorrow for lunch.  I hear that The Well is going through some changes, so I'm interested to hear how all that is going.  I'm also meeting with the Young Adult pastor at Antioch tomorrow afternoon.  He texted me the other day out of the blue, so I'm not sure what it's about, but I'm definitely excited about that.  It may just be to see how I'm enjoyed Lifegroup.  It may be to follow up on the application I put in to volunteer with the YA ministry.  It may be something totally different.  We will see.

Time with God has been sweet since the conference.  I hope and pray that continues.  I don't have much to complain about it life, and I just want to keep seeking Him and moving forward.

This week has been up and down, mostly up though.  I'm still working into a routine with school and reffing and Bible studies and meetings, but I think I've have it down by the end of the weekend.

...

I guess the down of this week would simply be my reluctance to push through idleness and procrastination.  My schedule is not super busy.  My class load is not super strenuous.  I have the time to do things, but I find myself falling back into old habits.  I do not want to entertain those long, and I won't.  It just takes planning, which I tend to love when it is for short term fun and hate when it's for anything remotely important outside my immediate gratification.  I haven't been a great steward of my time, but I'm getting better.

Lifegroup this week was good.  Lots of new faces and good words of encouragement.  I realized this week that I really didn't do life with my lifegroup, so I'm going to start planning things to do.  I feel like I've thrown out my nets with social activities lately with not much to show for it.  Maybe that's not totally accurate.  I don't know.  I just feel like I need to invest more in that group, so I will.  Camping, shooting, and paddle boarding are on the list, so we'll see what happens.

Along with doing things and making time, I'm still...plagued...by the desire for a meaningful relationship with a female.  Rae has popped into my head couple of times this week.  World Mandate is coming up, so maybe that's why.  One option in my plan to talk to her about "us" was waiting to see her at World Mandate.  I've run through my head a couple of scenarios that may happen this week.  One is her calling me to let me know she's coming, and that she just didn't want anything to be awkward if we saw each other.  The second scenario is seeing her there with a boyfriend.  Either way, I think I'm prepared.  I'd like to make more of it than it was, but I don't think she was really that into me.  I wish I knew why, and I wish it was different...  I really do.

All that to say, I realized in my quiet time that I don't have room in my life right now for a relationship.  That's not to say I don't have the time, but that is to say I don't have my time yet managed in an efficient enough way to add something else.  So, one of my goals this weekend is to simply plan out my schedule this week, block out the appropriate amount of time, and see how things go.  If I'm able to have truly "free" time at the end of my day, if I'm able to manage my coursework and other responsibilities, then I'll think and pray more seriously about adding something else.

On that front, I see several beautiful girls every day.  At this point, it's all different ones because I don't have a routine.  Also at this point, it's almost entirely undergrad students from what I can tell, which is out of bounds.  There are a couple of girls in seminary that have caught my eye, but none like the last one.  Not yet anyway.  My lifegroup is probably 60% girls on a bad day, most of the time higher than that.  Second verse, same as the first.  Part of me feels like my heart isn't back in it just yet, so while part of me wants to hurry up and find someone, most of me knows there's no sense to rush.  God's timing is perfect, and He knows me.

...

My shoulder still hurts from BSR from early July.  I'm a little frustrated.

This weekend was pretty packed.  I worked Friday night.  I hung out with people at BSR, floated the lazy river, went to the Baylor game, went to a gay bar, and took a friend home on Saturday.  I went to a Young Adult volunteer training, did a little school shopping, and worked out on Sunday.

...

The volunteer meeting really got my wheels turning.  I've been struggling less with my actions and more with my thoughts lately.  The words and actions start in your heart and mind, and I've realized that there are deep thoughts and motivations are still not totally God's.  It's not the goal to be strong enough to withstand temptation.  The goal is to avoid them altogether.  One simple example is my diet.  Physically, working out is important, but your diet is almost even more so.  I've been slacking, not sharp, too lenient with some of the things I've eaten, and my overall fitness has suffered.

In sharing the church's vision during the volunteer meeting, the speaker talked about integrity, daily time with God, and purity.  Good stuff.  It made me think about what it'll be like to serve the church again, even in a volunteer role.  The bottom line is that I have to step into the person God wants me to be.  He wants me to be a confident, strong, solid minister of His Gospel, and there are thoughts and mindsets and excuses that I have to put behind me if I'm going to go forward in His church.  I felt like He's leading me into a place where things can explode for me, but that growth and movement of His Spirit will be jeopardized if I let selfish, lazy, undisciplined thoughts in.  I can see now more than ever that Satan wants in my life in a big way, and he's not happy with the direction I'm moving.

...

I went to the Baylor game last night, and it was something else.  I honestly felt like I was in Dallas or Atlanta.  I parked downtown, took a shuttle to the game, and entered this amazingly awesome stadium.  President Bush was there, Governor Perry was there, it was a packed house, and it just felt...big.  The seating reminded me alot of Cowboy Stadium in that there really wasn't a "bad" seat in the house.  Those near the end zone could see across the field to the big screen, and everyone else was pretty much on top of the action.  It was a pretty cool experience overall.

...

As I was riding back in the shuttle to my car, I had a general feeling of loneliness that came over me.  I was a little ashamed because I didn't want to seem ungrateful to God for the experience I just had.  Overall, I really enjoyed the evening, but that feeling came, and I wanted to confront it.  My experience with Rae had multiple layers, but one of those layers was filling up that space in my heart that is lonely.  After Kaylin moved out, I lived by myself.  The last few mud runs I'd done, I did by myself.  The last Baylor game I went to, I went by myself.  When I go to church, I am surrounded by people, but I sit by myself.  Before the game, I was hanging out with some friends, just eating, talking, and sitting by the pool.  I could have staying, but I really wanted to go to this first Baylor game.  I went to the last one in Floyd Casey, and I wanted to make the first one in McLane.  Looking back though, I would have just as good a time, if not better, hanging out with people I care about rather than sit and watch a football game with 45,000 strangers.

Driving home, after I'd spent some time in prayer, I realized that I need to continue to reevaluate things in my life.   I ascribe value to things that maybe I shouldn't.  I ascribed value to this football game, and while it was an awesome and even historic moment in history, it felt me feeling empty.  As the fourth quarter started, I noticed my section thinning out a bit.  I had this debate in my head whether I would stay the whole time or not, just to say I did and to take in the entire experience.  A few minutes passed, and I thought to myself, "What difference does it make?  Who is going to care that you stayed the whole time?  Who is going to value your experience more because you stuck it out?"  I honestly couldn't answer that question, or rather I could, the answer being "no one."  I looked at my watch (21:50), and I got up and left.

Just to be clear, I don't mean to make this sound like I'm itching to jump into another dating relationship.  Like I said, I think had I stayed by the pool hanging out, I wouldn't have had those same feelings.  When you're not dating, loneliness can be cured by good community.  That's not to say I'm not interested in developing a new friendship with someone I found attractive.  When it's all said and done, I do want someone to experience life with.  That's what I loved about being with Rae.  She ran with me, she played tennis with me, she traveled with me, and she explored with me.  I do miss that, but I know there are things in my life that need to be stronger before I enter into another relationship.

Anyway, the point is I ascribe value to things that maybe shouldn't hold that much value.  What is attending a football game when it makes you feel lonely?  What is driving a fast car when it cost so much to drive and maintain?  What is a nice house when you aren't even confident you'll be there long?  What's an awesome "survival knife" when you never go camping?

God is good.  He is working.  I am listening.

I think I started a blog, but it didn't end up saving.  Oh well.

...

I started seminary this week.  It was weird walking in the first day.  Part of me felt like an outsider because I didn't know anyone that was roaming the halls.  Part of me felt like I never left because I knew where all the rooms were, who my professors were, and I can honestly say I probably didn't come across that I was new.  My class load seems manageable.  I'll be looking for another part time job, and I have a couple irons in the fire as far as that goes.  I did see a couple of people I was familiar with, so that was refreshing.

...

I went to my first real paid game as an official yesterday.  It was a just a couple of small school playing a JV game, but it was good experience.  The older officials are always talking about getting as many "snaps" as you can, and I'm sure the more games I go to, the more comfortable I'll get doing everything.  I'm getting more confident in blowing my whistle, talking to coaches/players, and throwing that flag.  It's fun really.

...

I was emotional on the way home from the game.  I kept asking God why I was getting emotional.  The drive home from Wortham was a good hour plus, so I had plenty of time to pray and to think.  I think part of it was just the joy of work, enjoying the work, and recognizing the blessing that is.  Part of it was the joy of having a full day and being fulfilled through class and the job.  Honestly, part of it was thinking about Rae.  There were several little things that just kept bringing her up in my mind...

• My financial situation made me think about how much money I spent on her.  That made me think about how much in comparison I spend on God.  Rae is not part of my life anymore, but He'll always be there.  She's a wonderful person, but He is the Great and Mighty One.
• The long drive reminded me of the long drives I'd make every weekend.
• Passing by Baylor Stadium reminded me of the Baylor shirts I got Jackson.
• A red Mazda Tribute passed me on the highway, and that's what she drove.
• I passed BSR, who is having a mud race soon, which reminded me that I have a Spartan Race coming up.  That reminded me of us running together, the fun we had on that trip, and how I would probably be running by myself (again) on this one.
• World Mandate is coming up in a month, and I thought about what I would do if I saw her, what I would say, what it would be like if she brought a guy with her.

It was a little enlightening to me to have all those thoughts flood in, and I'm glad they did.  I want to mourn over that.  I want to continue to process everything that happened, and why it happened.  Most importantly, I want to learn from it, be better for, and be prepared for the next time God sees fit to bless me with someone like her.  I obviously didn't handle it very well that time around, and I don't want to make the same mistake next time.

...

I am still conflicted about my living situation.  I've run the numbers in my head.  It makes financial sense to live at home.  That saved money could go toward alot of things.  The problem is that I think it'd be easier, more "organic," to be in community and make disciples if I was in Waco.  It's also a time issue.  I spend at least 6 hours a week driving to and from Waco in a week.  Living in Waco would reduce that to about an hour or hour and a half.  That's close to 5 hours a week I could be doing something else...  Studying, hanging out with friends, working out, whatever.  I mean, if I think I'm worth at least $10 an hour, that's minimum $200 a month worth of time.  Obviously, it's not absolutely necessary to live in Waco to make things function, but things would flow much easier.

Now, the twist.  I usually like to estimate conservatively, whether that be over or under depending on the circumstance.  In the case of school, I was thinking I'd be done in three years.  Recently, I found out that 12 hours of my degree is an internship, leaving me with only 50 hours left to go, which I could do in two years.  Two years...  Two years.  That puts a whole new twist on renting vs buying vs building.  I'm not sure why 1 year in my mind makes all the difference.  I guess if I rented a place for a year, then built/bought, I would only live there a year if I ended up moving.  Why I think I'm moving, I don't know.  Presumably, I'd do the internship here in Waco, but that's not for sure.  The idea of living in a place for 2 solid years just seems better, more solid than only living there a year.

Blah blah blah.  I don't know where/if/when/why I'd be moving, so I can't really count on that, but in my mind, it just seems like that's something that is going to happen.

...

End.

One week and I'll be in class again.  It'll be so strange.  I still have some things to do before then, but I'll be happy to have more to occupy my time.

...

Last time I talked about envy, and I've thought more on that lately.  I think part of that envy doesn't necessarily come from a person's background or that something good they were blessed with.  I think,  for me, part of it has to do with the fact that they got it now.  They received a blessing, were granted a gift, got an great opportunity now, and I didn't.  It's almost as silly as a child being sad because it's their siblings birthday, getting new toys and such.  It's really a lot like that.

Months ago, I noticed a house for sale near Cameron Park in pretty much a perfect location.  By the time I got around to calling, it was already under contract.  The two lots beside it were vacant, and I thought to myself, "Man, it'd be awesome if those were for sale."  A few weeks ago, I found out who owned those lots, and I decided I'd send them a letter just asking if they'd be interested in selling.  It couldn't hurt.  The guy on the title lived in Maryland, which I thought was a little random, but I sent it anyway.  I sent it Priority, used a tracking number, checked it every 12 hours or so, and it finally made it there.  After a weekend of waiting though, I figured either the guy didn't live there anymore or maybe he just wasn't interested.

Over the last few months, I've looked at so much real estate.  I'd make a great agent right now because I could tell you just about anything you wanted to know.  I've been in talks with my dad, with my uncle, and with our realtor about what we want and what would be a good investment.  For sale by owner, vacant lots, foreclosures, new construction...  You name it; I've looked at it, researched it.  I've been especially frustrated  these past couple of weeks because we've been talking with an elderly man who lives in Dallas about his house here in Waco, but it's taken him almost a month to get down to show it to us.  Every week for three or four weeks, it was "I'll try to get there this week," or "I'll be there tomorrow."  Days would pass, "tomorrow" would pass, and the guy was a no show.

We talk to him again Monday.  He says he'll be there with his grandson Tuesday at 11:00.  "Ok, give us a call before you leave Dallas, so we can meet you there."  9:00 rolls around, no call.  10:00...  11:00...  Noon...  My mom was the one that had been communicating with this guy, and a couple of scenarios were running through my head.  I was beginning to think maybe he had Alzheimer's or was just senile. Maybe we were just wasting our time.  The other thought was that he was actually at the house, that he didn't have a cell phone, and he didn't have a way of telling us he was at the house.  So mom calls around 12:30 to check in and to give him a little ultimatum about how we were going to move on if he couldn't show us the house.  "Ring, ring..."  No answer.  Mom and I are both frustrated.  She goes outside, and I go into the living room.  Then I hear her phone ring.  It's the guy calling back, and to make a long story short, turns out he was in Waco with his grandson waiting at the house for us to come.  We drove to Waco went by the house, met the guy and his grandson, looked around, took pictures, and left.  I was happy to have finally gone inside.  It definitely had potential, but it wasn't in the condition that I thought it was.  I left relived that we had pictures and a floor plan, but my optimism that this was the house for us was waning.

On the way home, I check my email, and I see a message titled "Property in Waco" from a guy named "Doc Jay."  It was the guy I'd sent a letter to those weeks ago!  Not only did he get my letter, but he said he was interested in selling the lots and gave me his phone number!  Ahh!  Crazy excited, we got home, and I started crafting what I would say and how I wanted the conversation to go.  I double checked all the info about the lots and what I thought was a fair price for them.  I waited until 6:15 to call, knowing he was an hour ahead.  Again, to make a long story shorter, this guy grew up not just in the Waco area, but in Crawford!  He knew people I knew.  In fact, he had been in town a couple of months ago and talked to my dad!  Not only did he want to sell the lots, but before I could even ask him what he wanted for them, he said he wanted [x amount] and that he wasn't planning on making any money off the deal.  That amount was lower than what they're appraised for, and it's lower even than what I was going to offer.  He said he'd be in Texas the first week of October, and that if I had all the paperwork drawn up, he'd gladly sign whatever needed to be signed.

...  Simply amazing.

After all this time I'd been researching, and all this frustration had built up...  To be handed exactly what I'd wanted from the very beginning for less than I ever thought I'd get it...  It's simply a God thing.

Lesson (re)learned:

God's timing is perfect.  There are certain blessings that though we want with all our heart, we are not ready for.  Getting those blessings ahead of time would be disastrous.  Our frame isn't strong enough.  Our foundation isn't broad enough.  My relationship with Rae was a perfect example of that.  I got want I wanted, and I couldn't handle it.  It was absolutely the right thing, but it was just the wrong time.  I know that now.  I knew it a couple of weeks after we broke up.  I know now that it's not the right time for me to be in a relationship.  I think going on dates would be fine or just having out people that I'm interested in, but my frame isn't strong enough right now.  I'm not disciplined enough right now.  My foundation isn't broad enough right now to handle the blessing that God wants for me.

It sucks to wait.  It's hard to see others get that blessing now, but God is good and His timing is perfect.

Part of why I've loved going to Antioch over the last few months has been the sermon series, "The Health of the House."  It's really hit on some deep, heart issues that have been incredibly relevant to my life.  This week was no different.

Envy was the topic this week.  The speaker was wonderful, and his sermon was so good.  One of his illusttations was Jesus' brothers.  How crazy would it be to say your brother was Jesus?  How crazy would it be to think that his "man" existed before time?  He talked about how Jesus' hometown rejected him, but how his family was very likely at the crucifixion.  They would have watched their brother, the one who could heal the sick, the one who could walk on water, the one who had the power to forgive sins...  Envious as they might have been, they would have watched him die.  The speaker said James would have known very personally the power of envy, and in James 3:16, James says, "For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice."

My last post talked about the peace I felt the Monday after my conversation with Rae.  I had a peace, my schedule was busy that day, and my mind didn't have time to wander...  I'll just be blunt and say that this week, it has wandered.  My life has been more or less "disordered".  I've been tempted and succumbed to "every vile practice."  While it was happening, I couldn't really explain what was causing this, what the root of it was.  If I had the peace, why was I so susceptible to these attacks?  ...  Because I'm jealous.  I'm envious of Rae.  I don't know for sure if she's seeing someone else.  Part of me thinks she would have told me, but maybe not.  Her Match account was active in June, and now it's not.  Whatever the case maybe, whether she is with someone or not, she has had a lasting peace about letting me go, and that feeling is not mutual.  I'm jealous that she may be with someone else.  Just thinking of that makes me think of all the people that I know who have gotten married in the last couple of years who are living with, enjoying the company of, having sex with their spouses.  I'm jealous that these people because, in my heart, I'm thinking that I've followed Christ deeper than they have.  I've sacrificed more, I've learned more,  and I've served more than they have.  Why do they get to be happy and not me?

Deep breath.

All that jealousy and envy has gotten me nowhere.  I've been frustrated and tired from it.  The speaker on Sunday talked about breaking that envious attitude with being grateful for how God has blessed other people.  Who are we to  condemn God for how He chooses to bless or gift other people?  We should rejoice with them knowing God is the Giver of all things good.  We should rejoice that our brothers and sisters have been given good things.  Our hearts should be filled with gratitude for seeing God's goodness.

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The other point the speaker made was concerning talents and gifting.  He talked about how easy it would be for the 1 talent guy to be jealous of the 2 talent guy, and the 2 talent guy of the 5 talent guy.  He gave a couple of illustrations from the Bible about people (Joseph 5 talent guy, and Anna 1 talent girl) who were not limited by their talent.  He talked about how God had bigger things for them, and how God used the circumstance of their lives to strengthen their frame, to broaden their foundation so that they might be able to stand the blessing He had for them...

I'm honesty not sure where I fall in the "talent" spectrum, but even objectively, I feel like I could say I'm the 5 talent guy.  I've got a nice car, I'm a graduate of a private university, I have stock in Wall Street, I'm healthy and athletically talented, I'm pretty smart, and I can communicate pretty well.  I have blogged before about being "scared of success," and honestly, I think God is still working with me on that.  He wants to strengthen my frame.  He wants to broaden my foundations, and that is an exciting, yet terrifying process.  I will either be willing to be subject to that process or be the egg that C.S. Lewis spoke so bluntly of.  "...  We must be hatched or go bad."

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