Another weekend, another D-Now.  My team was felt closer knit this time around.  Our trip up there seemed shorter even though it was an hour longer.  This D-Now was definitely heavier on the fun that the Jesus, but His Word does not go out void.  They told me they would e-mail me an evaluation form, and I look forward to being honest with them about a few things.

Before I left this weekend, I had a heart to heart with God about this whole relationship issue.  It’s been stewing in the back on my mind, and I can’t seem to shake it.  Since before Valentine’s, I’ve had these little reminders of my relationship with Rae.  Music coming back into my mind, then Whitley’s name in a conversation to a marriage story that included a long break up, then my parents talking about going to Roatan, then actually passing the “Wimberley” sign on the way to the D-Now.  I wonder whether this is me creating connections in my head or God laying down breadcrumbs for me to follow.

As I mentioned before, I’m not ready for anything yet.  Even in searching on Match, I’ve found my heart growing numb toward the search and even toward profiles that might genuinely be good to follow up on.  At the end of the day, I know I’m not ready, and I still have this nagging thought in my mind that there is a second chance somewhere in the distance.

I’m still struggling with spiritual momentum.  I find myself with a general lack of motivation when I have every reason to trust in God’s provision.  I’m wondering if there’s this sense of sorrow or grief or remorse or something from my divorce that I just haven’t been comforted from yet.  It reminds me of when the Bible says Isaac took Rebekah and “was comforted after his mother’s death.”  Not that God isn’t great or that I’m stuck in the past, but there is an emotional scar that may just need the love of a woman to completely heal from.  That sounds a bit…like a stretch or…superficial maybe, but I don’t know.

Today was good.  This weekend has been pretty good considering it was Valentine’s Day weekend.  Not having a significant other to pamper is difficult, but I made it through.

I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t think about Rae this week. The songs that I included on the CD I made her last year started popping into my head even though I know there are songs on there that I haven’t listened to since I made it.  Clicking on some link drew me to some blurb about Jacob’s Well in Wimberley.  I remember, chocolates, a card, red heels, a pokka-dotted dress, salmon, and a glass of wine.  It seems like my thoughts about her come in waves, and I’m sure this is just a wave that will pass like the rest.

I was talking to someone about how my last few relationships have been long distance and how difficult that can be.  As they commented about how they could never do it, I kept thinking “For the right person, that’s nothing.”  I’d make that 2 hour trip again in a heartbeat because she’s worth it.

Church was good today, and even yesterday, I have just felt this sense of trust come over me.  I trust these schools to pay me though I’ve never met their bookkeepers.  I trust my professors to show up to teach me every time I walk into class.  I trust my car to start, my water to turn on, and my TV to connect to Netflix every time I pressed the Netflix button.  For whatever reason, I just felt this sense of trust in God to provide for me in the relationship part of my life.  I’ve searched Match, POF, and ChristianMingle tirelessly.  I’ve gone to church regularly, and sometimes walk in with the thought of meeting someone.  I’ve lived life trying myself, and it just hasn’t worked.

For one, I’m not ready.  I’ve got things to do, and I’ve invested too much time into finding someone.  I wouldn’t feel right now even pursuing an intentional friendship.  That’s just not where I’m at.  The second thing is that, when I do get there, I know He’ll take care of me.  Whether that’s meeting some online, through work, at church, or elsewhere, He’ll be faithful.  The only way Rae decides that maybe we’re worth another try is by God moving, and if He wants to do that, it’ll happen.  And if He doesn’t, it won’t.  There’s nothing I’m going to do on my own accord in my own strength that is going to get me something that is beneficial to me.  Anything I do without God is going to lead to a dead end.

My first blog of my 30th year   My birthday was great, by the way.  We had about 15 people over to the house, most who hadn't been over before.  Tons of people wishing my "Happy Birthday" on Facebook.  It's a birthday I won't forget.

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It's hard to know where to start, but I guess I most want to talk about the D-Now I went to this weekend.  There were so many great things that happened, and I had some pretty deep realizations.  I need to make note of this event...

Even before we left, there was word that there weren't going to be as many students attending as the youth minister thought.  We had enough college students going, so my going wasn't really even necessary.  Honestly, I'd already taken off work specifically for this, and I hadn't seen my team work a D-Now before, so I decided that, even if I was just an extra, I'd go anyway.  As I prayed that Friday morning before we left, I took a mental inventory and had to confess to God that even though those reasons above made it logical for me to go, the main reason I was going was a particular girl who was also going.  After I boiled it down in my mind, I knew that if she wasn't going, then I would probably choose to take a (much needed) free weekend to get caught up on school, on house work, and on planning for young adult stuff.  To be clear, I don't have any immediate intentions, and not that I was going to let distract me from serving, leading, teaching, etc., but I had to give that to God before I even left the house.

The drive up was fine, and after meeting the youth minister, he gave us a quick tour of the church.  I reminded me a lot of Western Heights.  Old church, old congregation, huge facility that looked like a hodgepodge of the 50s-70s with some occasional modern redesign or signage.  After worship and Bible study on Friday night, I walked past a desk by the entrance of the youth room that had some information on it and the youth minister's business cards on it.  I knew his name was "Ben" from his email, and I also knew that he'd graduated from Baylor, but as I turned the card over, I saw that his full name was "Ben Simpson."  For some reason, that name rang a bell, and I asked him if he'd ever worked any other youth ministry jobs.  He mentioned a couple near the Dallas area, and I said, "No, I meant closer to the Waco area."  He looked at me for a moment, and he asked, "Are you from Crawford?" to which I said yes.  Ben Simpson was a ministry guidance student who replaced our youth minister at FBC Crawford when I was in 8th or 9th grade!  He was more of an interim, so he didn't stay long, but it was crazy to think leading this D-Now (that I really didn't have to come to) was someone I hadn't seen in 15 years.  Come to find out, I was staying with him as opposed to staying with the guys in a host home, so we talked the whole way to his house and well into that night.  In fact, my throat is sore, not only from just singing in worship, but also from how much I talked with him and his wife.  I even got to hang out with their little 5 year old daughter who was fond enough of me to ask me to read her a Barbie Mermaid princess book

Reminder #1: God's resources are infinite, and He is able to work and make connections and re-connections in ways that I'd never think of or imagine in a timing that's all His own.

Friday night, Ben told me that we'd be serving at a homeless shelter organizing their clothes closet and passing out food.  They normal have a Bible study before breakfast, and he asked if I wanted to lead it.  He said it'd be just 15 minutes or so, and I didn't hesitate to say yes.  It has been so long since I've done any kind of teaching/preaching.  I needed the practice for sure, but I would have been happy to do it regardless.  So, I woke up a litter earlier on a D-Now weekend Saturday than I normally would have to prepare.  Just being asked to do that was an honor, and I wanted to do well.  I had a passage that I had in my mind, so I whipped up a little 3 point sermonette that morning and gave it after one of the staff there led a short worship time.  I should reiterate that I hadn't given a sermon in close to five years, and I'll be frank in saying that I did not like how it went.  There's anything wrong with the Bible in general, in the specific passage I used, or my preparation process given the short notice, but I was rusty.  I want to use harsher words and go into even more critical detail, but I was rusty.  So I got to speak there, and I also felt called to shared something with the youth group Sunday morning.  Ben had to leave to prepare for a baptism, so he allowed me to close Sunday School.  I knew what I needed to say, and I knew the process of how to say it, but again, I feel like it fell a little flat.

Reminder #2: Speaking can be a gift, but it's one that needs to be practiced and refined.  Now that I'm formally back into ministry, I need to be disciplined enough to make that process a regular part of my life.

It's hard for me to write this next part.  I don't want to because it makes me sad but gives me joy at the same time.

I got to stay with Ben, his wife Mollie, and his kids.  Their little daughter was such a joy to be around.  I got to read to her, and one evening she showed me all her purses and jewelry.  There was a warmth in that family.  Being around that and watching that little girl run into her daddy's arms just to be held and loved made me want that.  I want a family.  I want a wife that supports and helps me in ministry, that cares about my physical and spiritual well-being, and that leads by example.  I want children that are well-behaved and respectful to others.  I want that...badly.  I'll be honest and say that having a Match and POF account is a blessing and a curse.  It's a blessing in that it's nice to be able to search for like minded people and not have to solely rely on brief encounters at church, school, or at a bar.  It's a curse in that a vast majority of the people on those sites do not have the same expectations and desires for family and faith as I do.  I usually try not to spend much time on it because I know that the search will simply get me frustrated.

Read Reminder #1 again, Chris.

All in all, though, I feel rejuvenated spiritually.  It was awesome to "talk shop" with Ben and his wife.  It was great to see the youth ministry team getting invested into the kids.  It was fun just to be around a youth group.

And now real life begins again