February 23, 2015
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Another weekend, another D-Now. My team was felt closer knit this time around. Our trip up there seemed shorter even though it was an hour longer. This D-Now was definitely heavier on the fun that the Jesus, but His Word does not go out void. They told me they would e-mail me an evaluation form, and I look forward to being honest with them about a few things.
Before I left this weekend, I had a heart to heart with God about this whole relationship issue. It’s been stewing in the back on my mind, and I can’t seem to shake it. Since before Valentine’s, I’ve had these little reminders of my relationship with Rae. Music coming back into my mind, then Whitley’s name in a conversation to a marriage story that included a long break up, then my parents talking about going to Roatan, then actually passing the “Wimberley” sign on the way to the D-Now. I wonder whether this is me creating connections in my head or God laying down breadcrumbs for me to follow.
As I mentioned before, I’m not ready for anything yet. Even in searching on Match, I’ve found my heart growing numb toward the search and even toward profiles that might genuinely be good to follow up on. At the end of the day, I know I’m not ready, and I still have this nagging thought in my mind that there is a second chance somewhere in the distance.
I’m still struggling with spiritual momentum. I find myself with a general lack of motivation when I have every reason to trust in God’s provision. I’m wondering if there’s this sense of sorrow or grief or remorse or something from my divorce that I just haven’t been comforted from yet. It reminds me of when the Bible says Isaac took Rebekah and “was comforted after his mother’s death.” Not that God isn’t great or that I’m stuck in the past, but there is an emotional scar that may just need the love of a woman to completely heal from. That sounds a bit…like a stretch or…superficial maybe, but I don’t know.
