I usually don't post as much when things are going well, but I should, so I will

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I'm making progress as far as "making room" goes.  My time management this past week wasn't perfect, but it was better.  Tomorrow will be a challenge, but it's one that I know about and can plan around ahead of time.

I'm making progress as far as making room for God goes.  I was at World Mandate this past weekend, and it was great.  The three biggest thing I took away from it were:

1) Simply abide in God.  I've been way too caught up in car, house, class, and extra stuff when i should be abiding in Christ and letting the details sort themselves out.

2) I want to be able to hear God better.  There was a story about an Indian pastor calling out a person in a crowd on 350,00 people.  I have to be a better listener.

3) Stick with it.  Keep moving on.  Press forward.  Don't stop.

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In other news, I find that I am still thinking of Rae from time to time.  I knew there was a possibility that I would run into at World Mandate.  I prayed about it, that God would prepare my heart should that happen.  She and Whitley were heading out of Dichotomy when the group I was with exited the stairwell from the roof.  I hugged them both, and we chatted a little bit.  I could tell they were leaving though, and it was getting close to time for the other session to start.  I said something like "I'm sure I'll see y'all there."  I wanted to.  I looked for them, but no luck.  I found myself asking God to let us run into each other again...at the Ferrel Center...in the parking lot...wherever.  That did not happen, probably for the best.  I tried messaging them both on Facebook, but it would only let me send to Whitley.

All that to say, I still miss her a bit.  I miss our friendship.  I regret the way I mishandled our relationship.  I want another chance.  The speaker on Saturday was divorced and had married a woman that had rejected his marriage proposal twice.  They looked like they couldn't be happier, and they were doing amazing ministry together.  I want to pick her brain again about us, but everything I go down that path in my head, I hear God say "I am working."  I don't take that to mean He's working on Rae specifically, but that He's working in my situation.  He knows my needs; He knows my desires.  My resolution has been simply to focus on Him and know that all these other things will fall into place.

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I am meeting with Jared tomorrow for lunch.  I hear that The Well is going through some changes, so I'm interested to hear how all that is going.  I'm also meeting with the Young Adult pastor at Antioch tomorrow afternoon.  He texted me the other day out of the blue, so I'm not sure what it's about, but I'm definitely excited about that.  It may just be to see how I'm enjoyed Lifegroup.  It may be to follow up on the application I put in to volunteer with the YA ministry.  It may be something totally different.  We will see.

Time with God has been sweet since the conference.  I hope and pray that continues.  I don't have much to complain about it life, and I just want to keep seeking Him and moving forward.

This week has been up and down, mostly up though.  I'm still working into a routine with school and reffing and Bible studies and meetings, but I think I've have it down by the end of the weekend.

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I guess the down of this week would simply be my reluctance to push through idleness and procrastination.  My schedule is not super busy.  My class load is not super strenuous.  I have the time to do things, but I find myself falling back into old habits.  I do not want to entertain those long, and I won't.  It just takes planning, which I tend to love when it is for short term fun and hate when it's for anything remotely important outside my immediate gratification.  I haven't been a great steward of my time, but I'm getting better.

Lifegroup this week was good.  Lots of new faces and good words of encouragement.  I realized this week that I really didn't do life with my lifegroup, so I'm going to start planning things to do.  I feel like I've thrown out my nets with social activities lately with not much to show for it.  Maybe that's not totally accurate.  I don't know.  I just feel like I need to invest more in that group, so I will.  Camping, shooting, and paddle boarding are on the list, so we'll see what happens.

Along with doing things and making time, I'm still...plagued...by the desire for a meaningful relationship with a female.  Rae has popped into my head couple of times this week.  World Mandate is coming up, so maybe that's why.  One option in my plan to talk to her about "us" was waiting to see her at World Mandate.  I've run through my head a couple of scenarios that may happen this week.  One is her calling me to let me know she's coming, and that she just didn't want anything to be awkward if we saw each other.  The second scenario is seeing her there with a boyfriend.  Either way, I think I'm prepared.  I'd like to make more of it than it was, but I don't think she was really that into me.  I wish I knew why, and I wish it was different...  I really do.

All that to say, I realized in my quiet time that I don't have room in my life right now for a relationship.  That's not to say I don't have the time, but that is to say I don't have my time yet managed in an efficient enough way to add something else.  So, one of my goals this weekend is to simply plan out my schedule this week, block out the appropriate amount of time, and see how things go.  If I'm able to have truly "free" time at the end of my day, if I'm able to manage my coursework and other responsibilities, then I'll think and pray more seriously about adding something else.

On that front, I see several beautiful girls every day.  At this point, it's all different ones because I don't have a routine.  Also at this point, it's almost entirely undergrad students from what I can tell, which is out of bounds.  There are a couple of girls in seminary that have caught my eye, but none like the last one.  Not yet anyway.  My lifegroup is probably 60% girls on a bad day, most of the time higher than that.  Second verse, same as the first.  Part of me feels like my heart isn't back in it just yet, so while part of me wants to hurry up and find someone, most of me knows there's no sense to rush.  God's timing is perfect, and He knows me.

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My shoulder still hurts from BSR from early July.  I'm a little frustrated.

This weekend was pretty packed.  I worked Friday night.  I hung out with people at BSR, floated the lazy river, went to the Baylor game, went to a gay bar, and took a friend home on Saturday.  I went to a Young Adult volunteer training, did a little school shopping, and worked out on Sunday.

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The volunteer meeting really got my wheels turning.  I've been struggling less with my actions and more with my thoughts lately.  The words and actions start in your heart and mind, and I've realized that there are deep thoughts and motivations are still not totally God's.  It's not the goal to be strong enough to withstand temptation.  The goal is to avoid them altogether.  One simple example is my diet.  Physically, working out is important, but your diet is almost even more so.  I've been slacking, not sharp, too lenient with some of the things I've eaten, and my overall fitness has suffered.

In sharing the church's vision during the volunteer meeting, the speaker talked about integrity, daily time with God, and purity.  Good stuff.  It made me think about what it'll be like to serve the church again, even in a volunteer role.  The bottom line is that I have to step into the person God wants me to be.  He wants me to be a confident, strong, solid minister of His Gospel, and there are thoughts and mindsets and excuses that I have to put behind me if I'm going to go forward in His church.  I felt like He's leading me into a place where things can explode for me, but that growth and movement of His Spirit will be jeopardized if I let selfish, lazy, undisciplined thoughts in.  I can see now more than ever that Satan wants in my life in a big way, and he's not happy with the direction I'm moving.

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I went to the Baylor game last night, and it was something else.  I honestly felt like I was in Dallas or Atlanta.  I parked downtown, took a shuttle to the game, and entered this amazingly awesome stadium.  President Bush was there, Governor Perry was there, it was a packed house, and it just felt...big.  The seating reminded me alot of Cowboy Stadium in that there really wasn't a "bad" seat in the house.  Those near the end zone could see across the field to the big screen, and everyone else was pretty much on top of the action.  It was a pretty cool experience overall.

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As I was riding back in the shuttle to my car, I had a general feeling of loneliness that came over me.  I was a little ashamed because I didn't want to seem ungrateful to God for the experience I just had.  Overall, I really enjoyed the evening, but that feeling came, and I wanted to confront it.  My experience with Rae had multiple layers, but one of those layers was filling up that space in my heart that is lonely.  After Kaylin moved out, I lived by myself.  The last few mud runs I'd done, I did by myself.  The last Baylor game I went to, I went by myself.  When I go to church, I am surrounded by people, but I sit by myself.  Before the game, I was hanging out with some friends, just eating, talking, and sitting by the pool.  I could have staying, but I really wanted to go to this first Baylor game.  I went to the last one in Floyd Casey, and I wanted to make the first one in McLane.  Looking back though, I would have just as good a time, if not better, hanging out with people I care about rather than sit and watch a football game with 45,000 strangers.

Driving home, after I'd spent some time in prayer, I realized that I need to continue to reevaluate things in my life.   I ascribe value to things that maybe I shouldn't.  I ascribed value to this football game, and while it was an awesome and even historic moment in history, it felt me feeling empty.  As the fourth quarter started, I noticed my section thinning out a bit.  I had this debate in my head whether I would stay the whole time or not, just to say I did and to take in the entire experience.  A few minutes passed, and I thought to myself, "What difference does it make?  Who is going to care that you stayed the whole time?  Who is going to value your experience more because you stuck it out?"  I honestly couldn't answer that question, or rather I could, the answer being "no one."  I looked at my watch (21:50), and I got up and left.

Just to be clear, I don't mean to make this sound like I'm itching to jump into another dating relationship.  Like I said, I think had I stayed by the pool hanging out, I wouldn't have had those same feelings.  When you're not dating, loneliness can be cured by good community.  That's not to say I'm not interested in developing a new friendship with someone I found attractive.  When it's all said and done, I do want someone to experience life with.  That's what I loved about being with Rae.  She ran with me, she played tennis with me, she traveled with me, and she explored with me.  I do miss that, but I know there are things in my life that need to be stronger before I enter into another relationship.

Anyway, the point is I ascribe value to things that maybe shouldn't hold that much value.  What is attending a football game when it makes you feel lonely?  What is driving a fast car when it cost so much to drive and maintain?  What is a nice house when you aren't even confident you'll be there long?  What's an awesome "survival knife" when you never go camping?

God is good.  He is working.  I am listening.