Month: May 2015

  • Impressions

    I'm depressed.  That's obvious.  I've avoided being responsible.  I've avoided being deep with people.  I've avoided God for the majority of the last few months after I decided not to pursue Shelby.  I've often had moments of clarity, and the reoccurring theme is simply that things aren't that bad.  I just have to "dust myself off and try again."  I just have to believe and do productive things, and life will be back to normal.  I won't feel stressed from being behind.  Good things will happen when I move on and live the life I'm called to live.

    But, like my last post, I guess I believe the lie that I really don't deserve that life or maybe that it's just too hard.  I don't have any other logical reason why when success or peace is within my grasp why I don't do everything in my power to strive for it.

  • (Out of) Sync

    I'm still off...  I have blogged in the last month, but they've been private.  So, yeah...

    The semester is almost over, and I can honestly say it's been pretty much a waste in terms of what I've learned.  I hardly studied.  I hardly read.  I missed the maximum amount of class I could in the first couple of weeks, and I didn't even buy all my textbooks.  I haven't worked much really since the end of February, and I haven't worked out much in the last couple of months.

  • Lies...

    There is a lie I believe every time a relationship or potential relationship fails.  The lie is that I don't deserve someone as attractive as the person I was interested in.  I'm not good looking enough.  I'm not talented enough.  I'm not spiritually strong enough.  I find a woman that I really want to pursue, but something always happens...  And when it does for whatever reason it does, I come back to believing this lie.

    This lie makes me take God out of the equation.  I "waited" on Him.  I tell myself "I did things His way," which is often the case when it begins but not when it ends.  Somehow it's God's fault and not any of the other rational explanations.  Even when it does fall back on me, on my poor choices, it's God "punishing" me for.  In a very real way, I seem to sway between a "great for me girl" and a rebound.  The "great for me" girl doesn't work out, I get frustrated, and I seek what I can get.  When I get it or even just spend time thinking about getting it, then I realize that the person I'm trying to get really isn't great for me, and the process starts over.  I better myself, I get "back on track," I start working out, eating right, getting organized, etc.  That happens for a period of time, usually between 3 to 9 months, and then I see someone that I genuinely feel would be great for me.

    I'm on track for finding a "great for me" girl, but I'm not putting myself in much of a position to find her.  First of all, I haven't started any of the aforementioned rehabilitation.  There's reasons behind that, too, but even that it under girded by the fact that I haven't let God back in fully, and if there's anything I've learned about my relationship with God, it's an all or nothing type deal.  "You can't walk with God and hold hands with the Devil."  I still vacillate daily between wanting to get things done my way and wanting to give everything to Him.  Temptation is right around every corner, and in the past, I've put up more of a struggle.  For the last few months, I really haven't.

    This is pretty much exactly where I was last year.  Rae and I broke up, and the rehab began pretty quickly.  After Shelby in December and several first dates later, I'm no better off now than I was last summer.

    ...

    I'm going to Georgia for a week.  I leave tomorrow.  There's a girl I'm going to have dinner with Friday in Atlanta, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to that just as much as seeing everyone else.  She's one of those girls that would be "great for me."  Long distance, but I've been there, done that.

    Let's just give things to God, and see where they go, shall we?