There is a lie I believe every time a relationship or potential relationship fails. The lie is that I don't deserve someone as attractive as the person I was interested in. I'm not good looking enough. I'm not talented enough. I'm not spiritually strong enough. I find a woman that I really want to pursue, but something always happens... And when it does for whatever reason it does, I come back to believing this lie.
This lie makes me take God out of the equation. I "waited" on Him. I tell myself "I did things His way," which is often the case when it begins but not when it ends. Somehow it's God's fault and not any of the other rational explanations. Even when it does fall back on me, on my poor choices, it's God "punishing" me for. In a very real way, I seem to sway between a "great for me girl" and a rebound. The "great for me" girl doesn't work out, I get frustrated, and I seek what I can get. When I get it or even just spend time thinking about getting it, then I realize that the person I'm trying to get really isn't great for me, and the process starts over. I better myself, I get "back on track," I start working out, eating right, getting organized, etc. That happens for a period of time, usually between 3 to 9 months, and then I see someone that I genuinely feel would be great for me.
I'm on track for finding a "great for me" girl, but I'm not putting myself in much of a position to find her. First of all, I haven't started any of the aforementioned rehabilitation. There's reasons behind that, too, but even that it under girded by the fact that I haven't let God back in fully, and if there's anything I've learned about my relationship with God, it's an all or nothing type deal. "You can't walk with God and hold hands with the Devil." I still vacillate daily between wanting to get things done my way and wanting to give everything to Him. Temptation is right around every corner, and in the past, I've put up more of a struggle. For the last few months, I really haven't.
This is pretty much exactly where I was last year. Rae and I broke up, and the rehab began pretty quickly. After Shelby in December and several first dates later, I'm no better off now than I was last summer.
...
I'm going to Georgia for a week. I leave tomorrow. There's a girl I'm going to have dinner with Friday in Atlanta, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to that just as much as seeing everyone else. She's one of those girls that would be "great for me." Long distance, but I've been there, done that.
Let's just give things to God, and see where they go, shall we?
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