I think I started a blog, but it didn't end up saving.  Oh well.

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I started seminary this week.  It was weird walking in the first day.  Part of me felt like an outsider because I didn't know anyone that was roaming the halls.  Part of me felt like I never left because I knew where all the rooms were, who my professors were, and I can honestly say I probably didn't come across that I was new.  My class load seems manageable.  I'll be looking for another part time job, and I have a couple irons in the fire as far as that goes.  I did see a couple of people I was familiar with, so that was refreshing.

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I went to my first real paid game as an official yesterday.  It was a just a couple of small school playing a JV game, but it was good experience.  The older officials are always talking about getting as many "snaps" as you can, and I'm sure the more games I go to, the more comfortable I'll get doing everything.  I'm getting more confident in blowing my whistle, talking to coaches/players, and throwing that flag.  It's fun really.

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I was emotional on the way home from the game.  I kept asking God why I was getting emotional.  The drive home from Wortham was a good hour plus, so I had plenty of time to pray and to think.  I think part of it was just the joy of work, enjoying the work, and recognizing the blessing that is.  Part of it was the joy of having a full day and being fulfilled through class and the job.  Honestly, part of it was thinking about Rae.  There were several little things that just kept bringing her up in my mind...

• My financial situation made me think about how much money I spent on her.  That made me think about how much in comparison I spend on God.  Rae is not part of my life anymore, but He'll always be there.  She's a wonderful person, but He is the Great and Mighty One.
• The long drive reminded me of the long drives I'd make every weekend.
• Passing by Baylor Stadium reminded me of the Baylor shirts I got Jackson.
• A red Mazda Tribute passed me on the highway, and that's what she drove.
• I passed BSR, who is having a mud race soon, which reminded me that I have a Spartan Race coming up.  That reminded me of us running together, the fun we had on that trip, and how I would probably be running by myself (again) on this one.
• World Mandate is coming up in a month, and I thought about what I would do if I saw her, what I would say, what it would be like if she brought a guy with her.

It was a little enlightening to me to have all those thoughts flood in, and I'm glad they did.  I want to mourn over that.  I want to continue to process everything that happened, and why it happened.  Most importantly, I want to learn from it, be better for, and be prepared for the next time God sees fit to bless me with someone like her.  I obviously didn't handle it very well that time around, and I don't want to make the same mistake next time.

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I am still conflicted about my living situation.  I've run the numbers in my head.  It makes financial sense to live at home.  That saved money could go toward alot of things.  The problem is that I think it'd be easier, more "organic," to be in community and make disciples if I was in Waco.  It's also a time issue.  I spend at least 6 hours a week driving to and from Waco in a week.  Living in Waco would reduce that to about an hour or hour and a half.  That's close to 5 hours a week I could be doing something else...  Studying, hanging out with friends, working out, whatever.  I mean, if I think I'm worth at least $10 an hour, that's minimum $200 a month worth of time.  Obviously, it's not absolutely necessary to live in Waco to make things function, but things would flow much easier.

Now, the twist.  I usually like to estimate conservatively, whether that be over or under depending on the circumstance.  In the case of school, I was thinking I'd be done in three years.  Recently, I found out that 12 hours of my degree is an internship, leaving me with only 50 hours left to go, which I could do in two years.  Two years...  Two years.  That puts a whole new twist on renting vs buying vs building.  I'm not sure why 1 year in my mind makes all the difference.  I guess if I rented a place for a year, then built/bought, I would only live there a year if I ended up moving.  Why I think I'm moving, I don't know.  Presumably, I'd do the internship here in Waco, but that's not for sure.  The idea of living in a place for 2 solid years just seems better, more solid than only living there a year.

Blah blah blah.  I don't know where/if/when/why I'd be moving, so I can't really count on that, but in my mind, it just seems like that's something that is going to happen.

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End.

One week and I'll be in class again.  It'll be so strange.  I still have some things to do before then, but I'll be happy to have more to occupy my time.

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Last time I talked about envy, and I've thought more on that lately.  I think part of that envy doesn't necessarily come from a person's background or that something good they were blessed with.  I think,  for me, part of it has to do with the fact that they got it now.  They received a blessing, were granted a gift, got an great opportunity now, and I didn't.  It's almost as silly as a child being sad because it's their siblings birthday, getting new toys and such.  It's really a lot like that.

Months ago, I noticed a house for sale near Cameron Park in pretty much a perfect location.  By the time I got around to calling, it was already under contract.  The two lots beside it were vacant, and I thought to myself, "Man, it'd be awesome if those were for sale."  A few weeks ago, I found out who owned those lots, and I decided I'd send them a letter just asking if they'd be interested in selling.  It couldn't hurt.  The guy on the title lived in Maryland, which I thought was a little random, but I sent it anyway.  I sent it Priority, used a tracking number, checked it every 12 hours or so, and it finally made it there.  After a weekend of waiting though, I figured either the guy didn't live there anymore or maybe he just wasn't interested.

Over the last few months, I've looked at so much real estate.  I'd make a great agent right now because I could tell you just about anything you wanted to know.  I've been in talks with my dad, with my uncle, and with our realtor about what we want and what would be a good investment.  For sale by owner, vacant lots, foreclosures, new construction...  You name it; I've looked at it, researched it.  I've been especially frustrated  these past couple of weeks because we've been talking with an elderly man who lives in Dallas about his house here in Waco, but it's taken him almost a month to get down to show it to us.  Every week for three or four weeks, it was "I'll try to get there this week," or "I'll be there tomorrow."  Days would pass, "tomorrow" would pass, and the guy was a no show.

We talk to him again Monday.  He says he'll be there with his grandson Tuesday at 11:00.  "Ok, give us a call before you leave Dallas, so we can meet you there."  9:00 rolls around, no call.  10:00...  11:00...  Noon...  My mom was the one that had been communicating with this guy, and a couple of scenarios were running through my head.  I was beginning to think maybe he had Alzheimer's or was just senile. Maybe we were just wasting our time.  The other thought was that he was actually at the house, that he didn't have a cell phone, and he didn't have a way of telling us he was at the house.  So mom calls around 12:30 to check in and to give him a little ultimatum about how we were going to move on if he couldn't show us the house.  "Ring, ring..."  No answer.  Mom and I are both frustrated.  She goes outside, and I go into the living room.  Then I hear her phone ring.  It's the guy calling back, and to make a long story short, turns out he was in Waco with his grandson waiting at the house for us to come.  We drove to Waco went by the house, met the guy and his grandson, looked around, took pictures, and left.  I was happy to have finally gone inside.  It definitely had potential, but it wasn't in the condition that I thought it was.  I left relived that we had pictures and a floor plan, but my optimism that this was the house for us was waning.

On the way home, I check my email, and I see a message titled "Property in Waco" from a guy named "Doc Jay."  It was the guy I'd sent a letter to those weeks ago!  Not only did he get my letter, but he said he was interested in selling the lots and gave me his phone number!  Ahh!  Crazy excited, we got home, and I started crafting what I would say and how I wanted the conversation to go.  I double checked all the info about the lots and what I thought was a fair price for them.  I waited until 6:15 to call, knowing he was an hour ahead.  Again, to make a long story shorter, this guy grew up not just in the Waco area, but in Crawford!  He knew people I knew.  In fact, he had been in town a couple of months ago and talked to my dad!  Not only did he want to sell the lots, but before I could even ask him what he wanted for them, he said he wanted [x amount] and that he wasn't planning on making any money off the deal.  That amount was lower than what they're appraised for, and it's lower even than what I was going to offer.  He said he'd be in Texas the first week of October, and that if I had all the paperwork drawn up, he'd gladly sign whatever needed to be signed.

...  Simply amazing.

After all this time I'd been researching, and all this frustration had built up...  To be handed exactly what I'd wanted from the very beginning for less than I ever thought I'd get it...  It's simply a God thing.

Lesson (re)learned:

God's timing is perfect.  There are certain blessings that though we want with all our heart, we are not ready for.  Getting those blessings ahead of time would be disastrous.  Our frame isn't strong enough.  Our foundation isn't broad enough.  My relationship with Rae was a perfect example of that.  I got want I wanted, and I couldn't handle it.  It was absolutely the right thing, but it was just the wrong time.  I know that now.  I knew it a couple of weeks after we broke up.  I know now that it's not the right time for me to be in a relationship.  I think going on dates would be fine or just having out people that I'm interested in, but my frame isn't strong enough right now.  I'm not disciplined enough right now.  My foundation isn't broad enough right now to handle the blessing that God wants for me.

It sucks to wait.  It's hard to see others get that blessing now, but God is good and His timing is perfect.

Part of why I've loved going to Antioch over the last few months has been the sermon series, "The Health of the House."  It's really hit on some deep, heart issues that have been incredibly relevant to my life.  This week was no different.

Envy was the topic this week.  The speaker was wonderful, and his sermon was so good.  One of his illusttations was Jesus' brothers.  How crazy would it be to say your brother was Jesus?  How crazy would it be to think that his "man" existed before time?  He talked about how Jesus' hometown rejected him, but how his family was very likely at the crucifixion.  They would have watched their brother, the one who could heal the sick, the one who could walk on water, the one who had the power to forgive sins...  Envious as they might have been, they would have watched him die.  The speaker said James would have known very personally the power of envy, and in James 3:16, James says, "For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice."

My last post talked about the peace I felt the Monday after my conversation with Rae.  I had a peace, my schedule was busy that day, and my mind didn't have time to wander...  I'll just be blunt and say that this week, it has wandered.  My life has been more or less "disordered".  I've been tempted and succumbed to "every vile practice."  While it was happening, I couldn't really explain what was causing this, what the root of it was.  If I had the peace, why was I so susceptible to these attacks?  ...  Because I'm jealous.  I'm envious of Rae.  I don't know for sure if she's seeing someone else.  Part of me thinks she would have told me, but maybe not.  Her Match account was active in June, and now it's not.  Whatever the case maybe, whether she is with someone or not, she has had a lasting peace about letting me go, and that feeling is not mutual.  I'm jealous that she may be with someone else.  Just thinking of that makes me think of all the people that I know who have gotten married in the last couple of years who are living with, enjoying the company of, having sex with their spouses.  I'm jealous that these people because, in my heart, I'm thinking that I've followed Christ deeper than they have.  I've sacrificed more, I've learned more,  and I've served more than they have.  Why do they get to be happy and not me?

Deep breath.

All that jealousy and envy has gotten me nowhere.  I've been frustrated and tired from it.  The speaker on Sunday talked about breaking that envious attitude with being grateful for how God has blessed other people.  Who are we to  condemn God for how He chooses to bless or gift other people?  We should rejoice with them knowing God is the Giver of all things good.  We should rejoice that our brothers and sisters have been given good things.  Our hearts should be filled with gratitude for seeing God's goodness.

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The other point the speaker made was concerning talents and gifting.  He talked about how easy it would be for the 1 talent guy to be jealous of the 2 talent guy, and the 2 talent guy of the 5 talent guy.  He gave a couple of illustrations from the Bible about people (Joseph 5 talent guy, and Anna 1 talent girl) who were not limited by their talent.  He talked about how God had bigger things for them, and how God used the circumstance of their lives to strengthen their frame, to broaden their foundation so that they might be able to stand the blessing He had for them...

I'm honesty not sure where I fall in the "talent" spectrum, but even objectively, I feel like I could say I'm the 5 talent guy.  I've got a nice car, I'm a graduate of a private university, I have stock in Wall Street, I'm healthy and athletically talented, I'm pretty smart, and I can communicate pretty well.  I have blogged before about being "scared of success," and honestly, I think God is still working with me on that.  He wants to strengthen my frame.  He wants to broaden my foundations, and that is an exciting, yet terrifying process.  I will either be willing to be subject to that process or be the egg that C.S. Lewis spoke so bluntly of.  "...  We must be hatched or go bad."

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Well, I waited for the phone call, but it never came.  I did check my email before bed though, and there was an email from Rae waiting for me.  I won't take the time to get into all of it.  There's really no need I guess.  She said our hearts were in two different places, that she's felt a peace about just being friends, and that she didn't think we were supposed to be together.  There's really nothing more to be said than that.  She mentioned that she realized cutting all communication might be best, and that she would leave that up to me.

I wrote her back yesterday morning.  I kept it as short as I could.  I agree that cutting communication was pretty much the only way I could heal.  I told her that I thought she was wonderful, that I loved her, and that I would miss her.  That was it.  Immediately after I sent those emails, I took the notes she'd written me and the Valentine's card she made me, and I threw them away.  I hate...with a passion...the reality of having to do that.  I hate the fact that the emotion when those things were written was real and tangible, and that the only remainder of that realness, I have to throw away to move on.  I hate it.  I hate that I have to take down pictures off my Facebook or untag myself or add new ones to get the old ones to move down off my feed.  I hate I'll have great memories with a great person in a relationship that will never come to fruition.  Blah, blah, blah.  It happens.

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I'm grateful to have gotten to know Rae.  I really do think that God led me to her, and regardless of what could have happened, He has used our relationship to teach me alot of things about myself.  There is the burning "what if" I'd been a better person, followed God more closely, not gone so fast while we were still dating.  Would we have ever broken up?  Would that relationship have lasted and gone the distance?  I don't know, but it doesn't matter because that's not how it happened.  I just hear Morpheus in my hear saying, "No, what happened happened and couldn't have happened any other way."  Strangely, or maybe not so strangely, I have had more of a peace about it that I thought i would.  Granted, we haven't been dating for the last three months, and there's been plenty of things that have signaled that perhaps things weren't going to work out.

Honestly, I think part of it too is the fact that I did everything I could.  I left no stone unturned in trying to win this girl's heart, and at the end of the day, she didn't want to give it.  There aren't enough words in the world to change that, and reliving the past or reanalyzing all the decisions that were made does nothing but waste time.

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Dang it.  I really liked her.

Still no majors updates on the life changes, though progress has been made.

Location: We've called on several opportunities, but nothing to move forward on yet.  I'll make a couple more calls tomorrow.  I'd be nice to find something I could move into, but that's looking less and less like the plan.  We shall see.

Car: I called the bank last week about my car title.  They didn't get back with me, which is a little unusual, so that's still a work in progress

Job: I've attended the Rules Seminar for the officiating job.  I bought my shoes, and now I just need my zebra clothes to go with them, and I'll be set.  We will meet 3 or 4 times on the field over the next couple of weeks to get used to what we're supposed to do and where we're supposed to be.  It should be fun.

Heart: I wrote Rae a letter and sent it off last Tuesday.  I just couldn't hold it in anymore, so sending a physical letter let me get it out and still allowing her to get the message over the weekend.  I did send a message to her friend on Saturday not only to ask for her prayers, but also to make sure I sent it to the correct address, which I did.  She said "I don't believe you will be getting the response you want...  a friendship would be all she is open to."  That certainly set my heart in a negative mood, but honestly, I'd asked God to help me prepare for whatever was coming.  I spent the afternoon tried to decode what all that could mean, why she felt that way, why she wasn't more specific.  Rae texted me last Saturday saying she'd got the letter.  Even though I asked her in the letter just to simply send me a text if the answer was "no," she said she'd think/pray on it and "hopefully be able to talk Sunday or sometime soon."

That wasn't the definite response I was looking for.  It's nice to know she got the letter, but now I'm just in limbo.  I've struggled with what I'm going to do if I feel like the answer is "no," but she still feels like she needs to talk it out.  Not that I'm opposed to talking things through and making sure the right decision is made, but I don't want to talk things through because she thinks it'll make me feel better.  I'll be torn she isn't open to anything past friends but still wants to hear about my summer.  It's not like I've been working on that speech for a while, but it was to be given under different circumstances.

All that to say, I've been giving this situation over to God on a daily basis.  I do want resolution soon, but I know I need to be patient.  I want things to work out, but I know that I am no less blessed, no less worthy, no less valuable, and my life no less purposeful if things don't.  It's just hard to walk that line of being prepared for the worst and hoping for the best.  It's hard not to be cynical preparing for the worst, and it's hard not to be euphoric or idealistic hoping for the best.

We normally talk late in the evening.  If she calls, it'll be in the next hour or so.  If not, I'll probably be waiting another couple of days.