July 10, 2010

• Last Stand

  I'm back.  I'm tired.  I'm happy.  I'm sad.  I've failed.  I'm getting better. 

  ...

  I'm back, but only for today.  Tomorrow I leave for church camp, and today is booked.  Tennis with Garett and Laci, lunch with Matt and Emily, buying Garett's birthday gift, going to Texas Roadhouse for dinner, packing up tonight...  Ugh.  It's busy.

  I'm tired.  Parts of my trip were restful; parts of it were exhausting.  I did not have a regular sleep schedule, nor did I retain my regular sleep pattern, so that threw me off a bit.  I doubt I get to bed early tonight either.

  I'm happy that I can see the next phase of my life a little more clearly.  I'm happy I got to surprise my girlfriend with a surprise visit.  I'm glad I got to hang out with her friends and family a little more, and on good terms this time around.  I'm happy to be in the relationship that I'm in. 

  I'm sad I'm leaving Texas.  There is a huge Texas flag waving behind my apartment complex.  Watching it wave as I left for DFW made me realize what I'm leaving.  Flying over Dallas/Fort Worth last night made me realize that I'm leaving home.  I'm sad that I'm leaving friends, leaving a community, leaving the opportunity for more memories with them for the time being.  I'm sad that my relationship with God hasn't been a top priority.  I'm sad that the way I conduct myself or even just being me makes others feel inadequate or insecure.  I'm sad that I've failed in giving my all to all of my responsibilities. 

  You might not get this unless, you're a gamer, but there is a video game called Call of Duty where you can play other people online.  It's a military simulation game so it involves weapons and killing the other team.  Anyway, there is a perk that you can earn called "Last Stand."  Instead of dying from a bullet that would normally kill you, you drop to the ground on your back and pull out a pistol.  You have 10 seconds to make your "last stand" and kill anyone that might cross your path or even kill the person that shot you.  In the end, you die either way, but sometimes that extra 10 seconds is enough time to take 2 or 3 more people down.

  (If you're completely oblivious, follow this link.  Last Stand Perk)

  I feel like I'm stuck in "last stand" mode.  I'm on my back, not on my feet.  My weapon has been downgraded.  Instead of being involved in the bigger picture, my mission has been limited to popping random enemies in the brief time I have left.  And I don't like it.

  Physically, I feel battered.  I haven't slept regularly in days, I have poison ivy and I seem to find a new spot every day, I thought I was getting a fever blister a couple days ago, I got sunburned badly this morning to the point that my eyes hurt, and I haven't worked out consistently in months.  It's ironic that I would never choose to smoke or dip like my friend Matt does, yet all these things I've mentioned were choices that left me feeling less than optimal. 

  I'm done for now.  I've got a parents' letter I need to send by 5...

  Peace

  • 2:54 am
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