Well, I waited for the phone call, but it never came.  I did check my email before bed though, and there was an email from Rae waiting for me.  I won't take the time to get into all of it.  There's really no need I guess.  She said our hearts were in two different places, that she's felt a peace about just being friends, and that she didn't think we were supposed to be together.  There's really nothing more to be said than that.  She mentioned that she realized cutting all communication might be best, and that she would leave that up to me.

I wrote her back yesterday morning.  I kept it as short as I could.  I agree that cutting communication was pretty much the only way I could heal.  I told her that I thought she was wonderful, that I loved her, and that I would miss her.  That was it.  Immediately after I sent those emails, I took the notes she'd written me and the Valentine's card she made me, and I threw them away.  I hate...with a passion...the reality of having to do that.  I hate the fact that the emotion when those things were written was real and tangible, and that the only remainder of that realness, I have to throw away to move on.  I hate it.  I hate that I have to take down pictures off my Facebook or untag myself or add new ones to get the old ones to move down off my feed.  I hate I'll have great memories with a great person in a relationship that will never come to fruition.  Blah, blah, blah.  It happens.

...

I'm grateful to have gotten to know Rae.  I really do think that God led me to her, and regardless of what could have happened, He has used our relationship to teach me alot of things about myself.  There is the burning "what if" I'd been a better person, followed God more closely, not gone so fast while we were still dating.  Would we have ever broken up?  Would that relationship have lasted and gone the distance?  I don't know, but it doesn't matter because that's not how it happened.  I just hear Morpheus in my hear saying, "No, what happened happened and couldn't have happened any other way."  Strangely, or maybe not so strangely, I have had more of a peace about it that I thought i would.  Granted, we haven't been dating for the last three months, and there's been plenty of things that have signaled that perhaps things weren't going to work out.

Honestly, I think part of it too is the fact that I did everything I could.  I left no stone unturned in trying to win this girl's heart, and at the end of the day, she didn't want to give it.  There aren't enough words in the world to change that, and reliving the past or reanalyzing all the decisions that were made does nothing but waste time.

...

Dang it.  I really liked her.

Still no majors updates on the life changes, though progress has been made.

Location: We've called on several opportunities, but nothing to move forward on yet.  I'll make a couple more calls tomorrow.  I'd be nice to find something I could move into, but that's looking less and less like the plan.  We shall see.

Car: I called the bank last week about my car title.  They didn't get back with me, which is a little unusual, so that's still a work in progress

Job: I've attended the Rules Seminar for the officiating job.  I bought my shoes, and now I just need my zebra clothes to go with them, and I'll be set.  We will meet 3 or 4 times on the field over the next couple of weeks to get used to what we're supposed to do and where we're supposed to be.  It should be fun.

Heart: I wrote Rae a letter and sent it off last Tuesday.  I just couldn't hold it in anymore, so sending a physical letter let me get it out and still allowing her to get the message over the weekend.  I did send a message to her friend on Saturday not only to ask for her prayers, but also to make sure I sent it to the correct address, which I did.  She said "I don't believe you will be getting the response you want...  a friendship would be all she is open to."  That certainly set my heart in a negative mood, but honestly, I'd asked God to help me prepare for whatever was coming.  I spent the afternoon tried to decode what all that could mean, why she felt that way, why she wasn't more specific.  Rae texted me last Saturday saying she'd got the letter.  Even though I asked her in the letter just to simply send me a text if the answer was "no," she said she'd think/pray on it and "hopefully be able to talk Sunday or sometime soon."

That wasn't the definite response I was looking for.  It's nice to know she got the letter, but now I'm just in limbo.  I've struggled with what I'm going to do if I feel like the answer is "no," but she still feels like she needs to talk it out.  Not that I'm opposed to talking things through and making sure the right decision is made, but I don't want to talk things through because she thinks it'll make me feel better.  I'll be torn she isn't open to anything past friends but still wants to hear about my summer.  It's not like I've been working on that speech for a while, but it was to be given under different circumstances.

All that to say, I've been giving this situation over to God on a daily basis.  I do want resolution soon, but I know I need to be patient.  I want things to work out, but I know that I am no less blessed, no less worthy, no less valuable, and my life no less purposeful if things don't.  It's just hard to walk that line of being prepared for the worst and hoping for the best.  It's hard not to be cynical preparing for the worst, and it's hard not to be euphoric or idealistic hoping for the best.

We normally talk late in the evening.  If she calls, it'll be in the next hour or so.  If not, I'll probably be waiting another couple of days.

Most of the time, I try to subtly hide my titles in my blog somewhere.  I'm be a little more direct on this one

...

Location Change:
I want to live to Waco.  Dad has bought a lot, but the city said we couldn't build on it for 4-6 months.  We don't know why, so we are calling them Monday.  If we don't build my uncle has offered his nephews some money to invest in flipping something.  It's funny how I've always said I wanted to own rental property, and now it seems like I may have the opportunity to do that.  I need to open up my mind a little on that one, but it's out there.

Car Change:
If I end up not moving to Waco, it seems like getting a more fuel efficient car is a good move for me to make right now.  My car gets bad gas mileage, costs more to insure, and because it's a special car, it costs more to fix when things go wrong.  Even if I do move to Waco, it seems like getting something more practical is the right thing to do.  However, I still don't have the title in my hands, so I have to call the bank Monday to figure out where it is.

Job Change:
My job as ACE Site Coordinator came to an end last week.  It was strange and a little sad to turn everything in.  It was also a relief though.  The job was stressful for so many reasons, and while I feel like I did a decent job, it just wasn't a good situation all around.  It's ending has allowed me a new beginning, and I'm thankful for that.  All that to say, I'm trying to fill my non-school schedule with a job or jobs.  I've got some leads on a couple things, one being officiating, but I can't call to follow up on those until Monday.

Heart Change:
This one has been happening over the last 3 months, but I really feel like I'm in a better place as far as my relationship with God goes.  Not only that, but I have some support around me now in my Lifegroup that I didn't have 3 months ago.  I think my focus on seminary, and my effort to be the best minister I can be has moved to the forefront of my life instead of...other things or people.  All that to say, I have been thinking and praying about talking to Rae this next weekend about giving "us" another go.  Not that we would jump back into dating or just pick up where we left off, but that our friendship would be more intentional than it is.  The weight of that: initiating that call/email, communicating my heart with her, waiting for her response, the change that will happen in my life whatever the response...  It's heavy, and it's stressful, and Satan is using that to his advantage.  I hate transition, and it's so easy for me to get lost during it, but if I've learned anything over the last year or so, it's that obedience and trust will carry you through even that craziest of circumstances.

It's been 3 months since our break up.  We've had some silly conversations and some serious ones since then.  There's been cause for me to think there's still something there and things that have made me wonder.  I'm curious to what her response will be.  I'm hopeful, but I'm nervous and impatient.  That conversation will cap off a week of change with a bang.

...

A few updates:

Dad and I have started looking (again) for houses.  Living in Waco would make my life a lot easier and more fulfilling.  I lose at least an hour a day just driving to and from the house, not to mention the cost in gas.

This coming week is the last week for the ACE Summer Program.  We have a field trip tomorrow and a parent showcase Thursday.  After that, it'll just be paperwork I have to deal with.  Lots of emotions there.  I'm going to miss the kids and my staff, and probably even the job a little bit.

Still intermittent contact with Rae, which I see as a good thing.  I get a Snapchat every once in a while.  Some I know are probably sent as a mass message, but some have been just to me.  Emotionally, it's been a little bit like my "daily bread."  It could mean nothing, but it's something.  I'm still working on what I'm going to say to her as far as asking her to reconsider the possibility of a relationship with me.  I have (pretty much) decided I'm going to communicate that with her either August 8th or 9th.  That's a little earlier than I originally anticipated, but I have my reasons.  First, poetically, that would be three months since our break up.  We first started talking around January 9th, begin dating about a month later, broke up May 9th.  Secondly, practically, I want to have my heart feel free before I go back to seminary.  Up to this point, I haven't pursued or even perused any other options.  If we decide to try to be more than we are now, I'll be free to think on that.  If Rae shuts me down, it'll hurt, and I want a couple of weeks just to let it soak in.

Physically, I've been up and down.  July 4th week was bad in the sense of my workout routine.  I went to a young adult service Tuesday, life group Wednesday, our small group Thursday, the 4th on Friday...  I between work and those events, I didn't work out at all.  I've also noticed that my physique has pretty much plateaued.  I'm just trying to work out regularly instead of being driven to get better, to improve, to get stronger and faster.  I can run 3 miles, burn calories, and sweat.  I even save my times, but they are more for just general accounting than benchmarks I need to meet and exceed.  I've been eating less and more healthy (most of the time), but again, there's a difference in just eating less or forgoing a meal when I've splurged and having a consistent, complete, compact diet plan.  I've been "living" better, but it's success or failure is the result of immediate will power instead of intentional planning.  I need to fix that.

School starts in a little over a month.  Craziness.

Church life has been good.  I'm still meeting new people and making relationships.  Our life group is big, so it's hard to get to know everyone.  Still, I'm seeing more and more people I recognize in worship on Sundays, which is cool.

That is all.

Considering I haven't blogged in a month, I supposed two in a day isn't too strange.

...

Discipline.  Consistency.  Excellence.  These are all things that I want to be staples of my life, and I genuinely feel like I've had those before.  I guess most vividly, I'd say High School was a time when I feel like I was close to these things.  Granted my schedule was more or less completely planned out, I had no financial responsibilities, and life was relatively easy.  However, no matter the circumstances, it was the environment that enabled me to be disciplined, to be consistent, and to excel.  It's the natural course of life to be given more and more responsibility.  At this point in my life, I have can make decisions about my schedule.  I make decisions on my finances, how to handle them, how to earn a living.  I make decisions on whether my life is relatively simple and easy or whether it is challenging and involved.  I create the environment that I'm in, and whether or not I obtain those three things depends on the choices I make.

As I have trained for my upcoming Tough Mudder and Spartan Race, I've learned alot about myself.  I already knew  I was a sprinter at heart and that I thought like a sprinter.  Battling that mindset is difficult.  Wanting and fighting for the short term gain, the instant gratification, the immediate payout is just part of who I am.  The only problem with that is life isn't that way.  God (usually) doesn't work that way.  Things take time, situations have to develop, circumstances have to evolve.  I've heard it said before that " heart work is hard work."  It takes time.  It's a marathon, not a sprint.

There are so many things I can look back on in my life and say that just a small change could have made a huge difference.  Giving up a small bad habit, getting into a small good habit could have changed my entire life.  Living for God is easy if you only give up 90% of your life.  It's that last 10%, it's that last little bit that I hold onto that is the toughest.  Training for these races, I want to be trim.  I want to be in shape, and "cut," and lean.  I've been eating less and working out more, but there still comes the opportunity to eat poorly, to snack on (too much) chocolate, to skip a workout, to eat that extra helping.  And lately, after I have given into temptation, after I have done something I know I shouldn't have, the only thing I can ask myself is "Is it worth it?"

There's no law or statute saying I can't browse online dating sites.  There's no rule that says I can't have chocolate.  There's no regulation against missing a workout.  But the question remains:  "Is it worth it?"  Is it worth knowing I, instead, spent meaningful time with God...  That I stuck with food that is nutritious and wholesome...  That I was disciplined enough to fight through apathy.  AND, not only it is worth it, but is it worth it every...single...time?  Is that vision of what I want my body to look like, my heart to look like, my soul to look like...  Is it worth it?  When I fail, when I fall, my mentality and my answer to that is obviously "No," yet immediately upon stumbling, my eyes are opened, the vision becomes clear again, and I think "Yes, it is."

Just so I'm being honest, I've fallen today.  I've eaten nothing for dinner except chocolate covered berries and brownies.  It's almost 9:00, and I haven't worked out yet.  I've spent too much time "relaxing" and didn't carve out time for God's Word.  That's just today, and it's not most days, but it is today.

Paul says, "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."  God can do anything, but I know that "immeasurably more" begins with thinking, dreaming, seeing, expecting, and being "immeasurably more" myself.  I want that.  He wants that.  It is worth it.

I cannot believe it's almost been a month.  It's funny how slow things go sometimes until you look up and see that weeks have passed.  It's still raining...or about to, anyway.  There was a huge rain a couple days ago, and every day this week has a 30% chance of it.  It's been a cooler summer than usual.  I don't mind it at all.

...

Update on Rae:  I've felt like she's been distancing herself from me.  I've written email drafts that I don't care to drudge through here.  I know she wants to get back into the dating scene, and I know our friendship will make that process more complicated.  She and I met for lunch on Saturday.  I invited her to a group event wake boarding, but she declined, and I knew she would.  Near the end of our time, she just pointed out that even the fact I would drive 3 hours round trip just to have lunch communicates something for than "just friends."  I couldn't disagree, of course.  She has a friend, Tamara, that doesn't live near her but that she still keeps up with by phone on a regular basis.  We decided our friendship probably needed to fall into that category.

Honestly, it felt like another break up.  I'd disabled/hidden all my dating site profiles, and my interaction with her was really all I had left.  A text message every other day, a funny Snapchat once in a while...something.  It helped me hold on to hope.  The drive home from Austin was emotional but hopeful.  God has placed me in a church with tons of young, Christian singles.  He's placed me at a seminary with the same.  Baylor university is a major hub for both of those two places, so between the three, there is every reason to think there can be other prospects out there.  Even if there are not, I do believe I need this time to myself.  I need this time this summer with God.  My relationship with Rae taught me that there are  things in my life that need to change.  There are still holes in my heart that need healing.  There is trust in my God that needs building.  There is an spiritual intimacy that needs exploring.

     Those things wouldn't happen if I was in a relationship.  Those things wouldn't happen without time.  Those things wouldn't happen with Rae in the near background.

On the flip side, I very well may not be the best fit for Rae, but unless she dates, she won't know.  This time for her could be just as critical as it is for me in the sense that she may find her match, or she may find that there was something to "us."  I feel like I've built a friendship with her, built a place in her heart that's strong enough to last a few months of testing and trying.  I'm not sure at what point I will ask for other chance, a reconsideration.  There is much I hope to change and much I hope will be different about me and my life in two or three months.  I know, even now, I am not the same person I was in January.  I'm not the same person I was in April.  What I do know, though, is that I'm not there yet.  Articulating all the ways and all the things that could be different about dating again is not the same as being there, in that future time, articulating all the ways and all the things that are different.

Either way, God is good.  He is faithful.  He knows my needs, her needs, and when those needs should be met.  This summer, as many others in my past have been, will not be about a girl or a goal, but it will be about a God and my friendship with Him.  My focus will be Him, and I'll let things fall where they may.

It's been raining here for the last three days.  I think we've got almost 4 inches in that time.  There's a 30% chance of rain from now through the weekend.  I suppose that means no camping for me.

...

I think one of the hardest parts about having this friendship with Rae is limiting myself.  That was part of my original motivation to remain friends.  I'm in a transition in life, I'll have school in the Fall, ... I'm still living with my parents.  If I'm going to spend time with someone, I want to have my stuff straight.  Women look for some semblance of stability in a man, and I'd like to articulate myself in a way that doesn't include "doing [x job] now but not in the Fall, going back to school, not sure what classes, blah blah."  While that's pretty much the picture, and there's the truth, I don't have to present it now.  I can wait when things clear up.

On the flip side of that is my friendship with Rae.  She already knows what's going on, so if things work out, I don't have to explain anything to her.  We've been talking every other day or so, normally spending 30 to 45 talking about life and another 30 discussing the book.  I think we are about half way done with the book.  I said that out loud during our conversation, but after we hung up, I wondered what things would be like when we finished it.  Even though we talk about different things, I know the reason we schedule times to talk now is because of the book.  While I do want to read other things this summer, part of me wonders if I should read the next book with someone else.  I'd be interested to see how we interact then.  Are we just going through the motions of friendship for the sake of doing it, or is there a genuine give and take there?  I'll ponder.

Back to limiting myself, I was reading an article on Men's Health about this new dating app called "Tingle."  You have a basic profile with pictures that users browse and either like or dislike.  You can only access full profiles and chat with users when there has been mutual interest expressed.  Pretty shallow, but simple.  While I admit that I would love to try  it, the author writes at the end that online dating can be just a way for a guy to feel wanted or attractive or experience some sense of confirmation about themselves.  Depending on the site, seeing who "liked" you, who wants to "meet" you, who your "matches" are can be very alluring.  Even if it's completely shallow or completely digital, it's more than most men get on a weekend at the bar.  All that being said, confidence is nice.  Attention from the opposite sex is nice.  But, as the author finally went on to say, he deleted his profile because he was interested in more than just that.  He wanted something substantive and real, and he didn't see himself finding that on "Tingle."  In the same way, it is hard to limit yourself when you know that sort of attention is there.  Even meaningful conversation, even if it goes nowhere, is still meaningful.  Even in a small way, it's sharing life with someone.

God asked me this morning if "it" was enough, meaning my interaction with Rae.  I do reserve hope for more.  I do wish circumstances were different, but honestly, it is enough for me right now.  I do want more, but a) that's not going to happen anytime soon, and b) I really don't need more right now.  I think it's just the right thing for me right now, and any desire of more I just need to give to God and move on.

I hope you're as impressed with my title as I am...

While it might imply something else entirely, "Crazy Love" is a book by Francis Chan that Rae and I decided to read together.  I wanted to get back in the habit of reading, and Rae said it was hard for her to finish books, so a joint venture made sense.  We've been going through it chapter by chapter, discussing it over the phone every other day or so.  That's made our communication much more regular than I anticipated.  It's not a bad thing, just something I didn't expect.

We hung out together on Saturday.  It was the first time I'd seen her in almost a month.  I fully expected to be overcome with emotion when I saw her, but that didn't happen.  There was certainly an awkwardness to it, but I expected that.  We went hiking on a trail in Austin that I'd never been on.  The weather was overcast and a bit muggy, but otherwise nice.  The trail followed Barton Creek, and after about an hour, we made a stop by the edge of the water to eat lunch.  Lunch was an MRE I'd bought just before getting to the trail.  She had never had one before, so I thought it'd be a fun way to have a warm meal off the beaten path.  All in all, it was fun.  We got there around 11:30 and left around 3:00, so we spent the better part of 4 hours enjoying nature and each others company.

Obviously, the dynamic between us is different in that we are just friends now, but I do feel like I'm seeing a bit of a different side of her than I did while we were dating.  I'm not sure exactly how to describe it as I can't quite put my finger on it.  Maybe more raw, more vulnerable, more relaxed, more free...?  I don't know.  I might be way off and completely inaccurate, but that's how I feel.

It's Memorial Day today.  I'm off today, but I'll have two weeks to get ready for summer program.  Rae finishes up with school this week, but she will be going to the beach with her youth group over the next couple of weeks.  I really don't know how this summer will go between us.  I'm not sure if anything will happen or not.  I'm hopeful that something will, but my main focus is getting ready for Truett this Fall.  I'm trusting that God will provide for me in whatever way that is whether that's through this friendship, through my enrollment at Truett, my involvement on campus or at Antioch, or randomly some other way.

Life is certainly interesting...  Rae and I decided to keep an open friendship on Thursday.  Here's how it happened...

...

May 9th:  We had the conversation about ending our relationship.  There were still some questions and issues rolling around in my head, so we emailed back and forth a couple of times after that.

May 12th:  She called me back to answer some questions I had and address some things I brought up in our emails.  By the end of the conversation, I felt I'd exhausted every argument, pushed every issue I could to the max.  I can't remember exactly how I ended up telling Mr. Hurley about what happened, but I did.  We talked for a bit that night about everything, and I went to bed.

May 13th:  Mr. Hurley Facebook messaged me in the morning and asked if I would mind if he talked to Rae just to get an explanation.  I told him the go ahead, as long as it was in the context of imparting some Godly wisdom, not a Q&A session.  So, they talked, apparently for a good bit, about everything, and he called me that night to give me the details.  It ended up becoming like a junior high note passing exercise where she'd text him, he'd call me, and I'd tell him what to say back.  It was like that only because we both wanted to respect the healing process.  I'd told her I'd stop talking to her about it, and we both knew that we wouldn't be talking to each other anymore.  Over the course of their conversation, she told him some things she'd told me before.  She told him some things she hadn't told me before.  The bottom line was that she really missed "her friend," and she didn't want to lose that.  Through Mr. Hurley, I told her that I'd be open to continuing our friendship, and she told him she'd call me "soon" to talk about it.

May 14th:  I'm on my way to trivia night at a local bar, and she texts me about a Facebook post I'd written (more on that later).  She sent the message, but then the three little dots that mean she was still typing popped up for a while.  I decided just to call her because I didn't want another super long, heavy text.  It was then that I brought up continuing our friendship, and we talked about it while I was parked outside the bar.  She talked about the healing process, and how she didn't want to lead me on.  We talked about moving past our romantic relationship and what our friendship would look like.  By the end of the conversation, we just agree to contact each other when we felt like it.  We would extend invitations to hang out when we felt like it.

...

So, why would I do this to myself?  A couple of reasons...

1) The circumstances in which our relationship ended were not typical (for me).  I think there was much more at work than Rae just not having that "feeling" whether she knew it or not.  She told Mr. Hurley that she did think we were moving too fast, and that she made a mistake when she told me we weren't. I felt like had things moved slower and we'd developed a deeper friendship, things wouldn't have ended like they did.  Plus, what girl wants to invest in a meaningful friendship with someone of the opposite sex, who lives two hours away, who she finds physically attractive, and only knows through a dating site?  All that to say, I'm not sure how all this will go down.  I'm not sure how much we will actually interact or what we'll actually do.  I do know that building a strong friendship with her is something I wanted to do from the beginning, and hopefully my suspicions on why our relationship ended will be proven correct.  If not, the worst thing that could happen is she finds someone else, and if that happens, our interaction will fade away anyway.  If she started dating someone else, she'd start talking and hanging out with him more and more, and I wouldn't have to see it because of the distance between us.

2) I need to focus on my job and getting ready to go back to school.  Having Rae's friendship (with the hopes of maybe more )in the background), I'll spend alot less time worrying about/investing time in finding someone else.  My life is going to completely change in August, and there's no sense in dragging in another girl into the picture now when things are so up in the air.  I had someone special in Rae, and it was awesome.  I want someone special in my life now, but that's just not smart now.  A friendship with Rae would allow me to slowly build on something that might happen with a person who is great anyway without the baggage of explaining to someone new everything that's happened in my life and weathering the storm of change that will come in the Fall.

Yesterday I got the call I'd been waiting on for nearly over a week.  We talked for almost 3 hours, and as with all good things, "we" came to an end.

She said she missed me.  She said she missed our conversations.  She said she found comfort being held in my arms.  She said she loved my pursuit of her, the way I conducted myself, and how I lived my life.  Despite all that, she wanted a feeling that just wasn't there.  It bothered her that it hasn't come yet, she wasn't hopeful that it would, and she didn't want to prolong what she felt was inevitable, so she didn't see any other way to proceed other than to break up.  I asked questions.  I tried to wrap my head around it.  I tried to see if there was anything that could be done to make "us" work.  After 3 hours of that, all that could be said was "when you know, you know," and there's no arguing, no reasoning, no working around that.

I called out of work today.  Though I've been preparing myself for the worst, I still did hope for the best.  There was one moment in the conversation where I thought she was going to say that things had changed, but it was one of those long sentences with the "but" in the middle.  I hate that we didn't work out.  He hate that I have notes and memories from a great girl that I will, once again, have to throw away.  I have pictures up on my Facebook of her and I.  I hate that I now have new relationships with family members and friends that I just have to let die, again.  That's life, though.

...

This relationship was good for me.  It showed me that there are normal, attractive Christian girls out there who appreciate someone like me.  Coming out of where I've been, I had parts of me that believed there were serious character flaws in me that would doom any relationship, and those negative voices have been silenced.  I think it's built my confidence in myself that I am capable of attracting the kind of girl that I'd like to be with, and my methods of doing that work.  Being divorced definitely clouded that those truths, and it's nice to be out from under them.

...

This sucks, but it is what it is.