August 5, 2014
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Two Different Places
Well, I waited for the phone call, but it never came. I did check my email before bed though, and there was an email from Rae waiting for me. I won't take the time to get into all of it. There's really no need I guess. She said our hearts were in two different places, that she's felt a peace about just being friends, and that she didn't think we were supposed to be together. There's really nothing more to be said than that. She mentioned that she realized cutting all communication might be best, and that she would leave that up to me.
I wrote her back yesterday morning. I kept it as short as I could. I agree that cutting communication was pretty much the only way I could heal. I told her that I thought she was wonderful, that I loved her, and that I would miss her. That was it. Immediately after I sent those emails, I took the notes she'd written me and the Valentine's card she made me, and I threw them away. I hate...with a passion...the reality of having to do that. I hate the fact that the emotion when those things were written was real and tangible, and that the only remainder of that realness, I have to throw away to move on. I hate it. I hate that I have to take down pictures off my Facebook or untag myself or add new ones to get the old ones to move down off my feed. I hate I'll have great memories with a great person in a relationship that will never come to fruition. Blah, blah, blah. It happens.
...
I'm grateful to have gotten to know Rae. I really do think that God led me to her, and regardless of what could have happened, He has used our relationship to teach me alot of things about myself. There is the burning "what if" I'd been a better person, followed God more closely, not gone so fast while we were still dating. Would we have ever broken up? Would that relationship have lasted and gone the distance? I don't know, but it doesn't matter because that's not how it happened. I just hear Morpheus in my hear saying, "No, what happened happened and couldn't have happened any other way." Strangely, or maybe not so strangely, I have had more of a peace about it that I thought i would. Granted, we haven't been dating for the last three months, and there's been plenty of things that have signaled that perhaps things weren't going to work out.
Honestly, I think part of it too is the fact that I did everything I could. I left no stone unturned in trying to win this girl's heart, and at the end of the day, she didn't want to give it. There aren't enough words in the world to change that, and reliving the past or reanalyzing all the decisions that were made does nothing but waste time.
...
Dang it. I really liked her.
