My wifi network back in Georgia was "settlers" for Settlers of Catan.  In fact, it may have even been that while I lived with James now that I think about it.  Which, side note, makes me realize that my router might be older than I thought.  In any case, I am settling back into life as a Texan.  I've got all my clothes in my room where they need to be.  I've got my Texas tag.  I've gotten used to the habits of living with the parents, like not letting the cats into the house when I get home late.  I haven't really done any "church shopping" yet.  I went to UBC in a whim a couple of weeks ago, and I went to The Well in Moody this past Sunday.  Garett, Stephanie, and a few others I knew were getting ordained that Sunday, so I didn't want to miss that.  I honestly don't know where I'll go next.  There are a few places that I'd like to go that I've never been.  Antioch, Highland, DaySpring...  I don't really know of any popular Assembly of God churches around, but I'm not opposed to looking for one.  I still find something about Pentecostalism intriguing, and I'm not sure I'm finished exploring that.

On the job front, I've not heard back from the Texas licensing agency on my certification transferring.  I was, however, informed about another job from my former debate coach.  I'm not in the habit of burning bridges, and she talked to me about a job that would pay more that I was making in Columbus, working "flexible" hours, and getting off on Fridays, teacher holidays, and most of the summer.  No gun or badge required.  I almost bothered me that something like that would come up so quick.  Maybe it was the fact that I hadn't heard back about my peace officer certification.  Maybe it was the fact that I was back for less than a week.  I don't know.  In my prayers, I specifically asked not that if the PD thing fell through that He would open doors that I didn't know existed.  He did just that.  The position would essentially be coordinating teachers and volunteers to participate with at-risk children in after school activities.  I was told the program is already in place but that the current coordinator wasn't really developing it much.  All the job requirements fit me really well, and the fact that I'd be working with a former teacher of mine seemed to be a slam dunk.  The more I thought and prayed about it, the more it just seemed like the right thing at the right time.

He told me He had plans for me, that He wanted to take this job, and it would put me in the right position for the next step.  I applied, and my interview is Wednesday.

...

I've been back a little under two weeks, and I've been invited to a couple of parties in that time.  I really didn't do much of that in college.  I didn't really have the relational resources to do that, and it was definitely a different atmosphere.  I like going to these things.  I like meeting people.  I like catching up with people I haven't seen in forever, and I like meeting new people.  I've often debated whether I was introverted or extroverted.  The only conclusion I can make thus far is to say that I'm a healthy mix of both.  All that to say, My weekends haven't been boring, and I'm thankful for that.

...

P.S.  I can't access footprints on the new Xanga, which bothers me.  I don't know if that's permanent, or if it's something I can fix, but it bothers me.

I'll have to dedicate some time to finishing up my leaving series, but I've got time right now, and the flow is good for writing on now.

...

I drove through Waco and into Crawford on Thursday, October 21st.  I got "home" around 2:00, which was fine.  Mom had cleared out space for me in my old room, and I even found a little "Welcome Home" message taped to the mirror.  It was strange being here because for the last 3 years, I've just visited.  I had to make plans and cram everyone into a tiny window of time.  Knowing I wouldn't have to do that felt strange but good.

Stephanie invited me to a Halloween party mainly consisting of Truett students.  I went as a character from Assassin's Creed, and she went as a vampire.  I didn't know anyone there, but I made my way into conversation quickly enough.  Several people knew people I knew, and I did that chit chat thing with a few people there.  ...  I'll just say that God continues to remind me there are no shortage of attractive people in this world, and that if I just trust Him, the right one will come.  How often do you meet a softball playing, seminary attending, social worker?

I spent most of the weekend doing things with friends.  Friday, Cason told me he was going to pop the question, and he called me immediately after.  I met him and Jessica for drinks at Treff's. We got there around 9, so it was still relatively quiet, which was nice.  I'm happy for Cason.  It seems like ever since I've met him, he was always retelling stories about the one that got away.  I think Jessica is a solid choice, and I'm glad I'm around for this phase of their engagement.  A wedding invitation wouldn't be surprising, but I wouldn't want to be a distraction.  I suppose if things haven't died down by that time, then they never will.

Leeann had a get together on Saturday.  She made Mexican food, and we played crazy Uno until midnight.  Sunday, Garett and I played frisbee golf, and we caught up on The Walking Dead.  All in all, I moved back at a good time.

...

This week, I have to do the adult things like getting another driver's license, registering my car, looking for jobs, etc.  Even if I met the girl of my dreams, I'm unemployed and living with my parents.  Not exactly where I'd like to be.  Plan A is to wait for Texas to accept/reject my Georgia peace officer certification.  If they accept it, I'll look for jobs between Dallas and Austin.  If they reject it, apparently I can take a course online to get it, but I'll have to research that a bit more.  Plan B is to find a decent part time job and go back to seminary.  Being back near a college campus, especially a seminary would definitely be a good place to a find an articulate, Christian lady.  All plans are being prayed over, but for Plan C, I've just asked God to reveal anything out there that would be a good fit for me that I can't think of.  Maybe it's a teaching job, maybe it's real estate, maybe it's ministry.  There's so much out there, and I know He knows it all.

Big dinners are never a good way to say goodbye to people you care about.  There's no way to split your time with everyone.  There's no way to really have a conversation with people individually about how much they've meant to you.  That, and I personally always like to be "in the background."  I like watching people have a good time and listening to good conversation.  That quality makes it even more awkward because I end up not saying much.

...

I just left feeling unsatisfied.

It's just an observation, but I'm coming up on my last weekend in Columbus.  I've got a get together planned for tomorrow evening, I'm going to the city auction on Saturday morning, North Highland for church Sunday morning, TheDoor for Sunday night, then I'll be packing and cleaning Monday and Tuesday in hopes to leave (very) early Wednesday morning.

When I first moved here.  I still remember crossing over into Georgia for the first going over J.R. Allen.  I remember the feeling of being in a foreign place.  I remember pulling up into the driveway of a house on Eagle Court in Midland with the sense of newness around me.  The town I was in was new.  The relationship I was in was still fairly new.  Everything I had was either in my car or right in front of me.  On Wednesday, I'll have everything in a U-Haul or my car with around 800 miles of highway in front of me.  It will be interesting to see how things have changed in my absence, to see what's new.  James had just started seminary when I left, and he's graduating this winter...

...

One thing that has been inescapable to me in all this has been the fact that, when it's all said and done, I'll have lost a friend.  I don't lose my friends.  I am very picky about who I invest time into, and while some of those people may ebb and flow out of my life, rarely is there a severance.  Here...there is, and it's inescapably sad to me.  I had someone ask me recently how the Chris that is moving back is different than the Chris that came.  I told them that my faith has had to incorporate chaos into it.  I think it always had in theory, but I'd never really faced any type of serious hardship in my life.  All my choices and their consequences made sense.  My efforts, large or small, usually bore fruit in that capacity.  And while it's possible that I could one day look back on my time here and be able to make sense of everything that has happened, I think I'll always look at many things that happened as just...chaotic.

I say all that to say: The prism through which I used to view the world has been shattered, and while it is, I suppose, for the better, it is "inescapably sad."

I'm still...dealing with that, but tomorrow's another day.

October 7, 2013:

As I mentioned, I had all of Monday to myself, which was good and bad.  Freedom, alone time, no restrictions...good.  No food, unfamiliar surroundings, having to drive up and down a mountain in my car...bad.  Luckily, I have a pretty decent sense of adventure, so I made the most out of it.  If I haven't mentioned the view, it really was great.  In the morning, you could look out the back and see a small little town off in the distance.  The town occasionally disappeared in the morning mist as it swirled in the hills.  I Googled the nearest grocery store and didn't have much trouble finding it.  After returning the groceries, I decided I'd go for a hike.  Terry told me that there were miles and miles of hiking trails, so I got a map from the lady at the front gate and made my way to the toughest one on the list.

In retrospect, I was not prepared to hike.  I didn't bring a backpack, and I was wearing athletic shorts with no pockets.  So, here I am, wearing an Under Armor shirt, blue shorts, and carrying my phone, my keys, and a bottle of water in one hand.  I honestly didn't think about how long I'd be hiking, so I didn't think my setup would be burdensome for long.  Had I stayed on the trail the whole time, I don't think it would have been, but I did a little wandering, lost the trail, and had a bit of fun "bushwhacking."  Sometimes the best spots are off the beaten path...

I lost the trail, so I decided to just follow the stream up.  I thought I remembers the trail saying it went to the top of something, so up I went.  The farther I went, the more I started to realize that I didn't really know where I was going or what I was looking for.  Luckily I had my phone with me, so after hiking half a mile uphill with some direction, I was able to find a nearby road.  The funny thing about it was, after I'd walked down the road a bit, I ended up finding the original trail.  I didn't really have anything else to do, so I decided to go ahead and try to make it to the end of it.

To be honest, I wanted to give up about half way up.  I'd been hiking off trail for an hour or so before finding my way again, and from the map by the road I found, this trail just more difficult the farther it went.  I did want to give up.  Most of the water in my bottle was gone.  Because of the mountain, it felt later in the day than it really was, so I couldn't really tell how much daylight I was going to have left.  But, I kept going.  The trail was beautiful.  Big Canoe is an older community, and I seriously doubt anyone had walked that trail in a long time.  I'm sure I could have built a little cabin off to the side, and no one would have ever noticed me.  It was secluded and peaceful and pristine, and that kept me going.  I finally made it to the top, which, ironically, ended along a road on the very top of the peak there.  I just set my things down, drank what little water I had left, laid down, placed the empty bottle behind my head, and looked up at the sky for a while.  It was warmer because the sun was hitting me unlike being down in the valley.  I could see that it wasn't really that late, so I lingered a bit.  There isn't much that could have made that moment any better.  Going down was alot easier.  I had to watch myself because at times I wanted to go to fast.  I finally made it back to my car, and having worked up an appetite, I was ready for dinner.

Monday Night Football was on, and I bought a couple of steaks to pan fry.  Mr. Hurley showed me his special closet where he kept all his adult beverages.  He had some type of high end margarita drink that I ended up finishing off.  There was probably about three glasses left of it.  I can't even remember who was playing that night.  No one I had any interest in, but the reception was terrible up there, and it was the only thing interested on.  After the game was over, I wasn't quite tired enough to go to bed, so I just sat in the moment for a while.

My reflections from the weekend:  I'm very fortunate to have the relationships that I have.  It was a blessing to be able to be in that place.  I would have love to have shared that weekend with a significant other.  I wish I would have gone to north Georgia sooner.  I realized that either a) I just love being in the mountains or b) I'd had been way too long since I'd really taken the time to enjoy nature.

October 5th, 2013 (Continued):

So after the race, I headed up to "Big Canoe," which is where Mr. Hurley has a cabin.  I'd heard him talk about it plenty of times in the past.  He was always wanting Kaylin and me to use it for a little weekend getaway.  And oh my, we should have.  "Big Canoe" is a huge, gated community between Jasper and Dawsonville, and beautiful doesn't even begin to describe it.  I regret not coming to north Georgia sooner, but my timing this time was perfect.  The change of season was just beginning to hit the trees, and the view was amazing.  This place was crazy nice.  Mr. Hurley's cabin was a good 15 minute drive from the front gate up a bunch of winding roads.  I got lost for a bit, but after a little navigational help from my host, I found the place.

Like I said, it's hard for me to even describe how nice this place was.  The view from the backyard was amazing...

I wish I would have taken some shots of the inside.  It was crisp, clean, and something you'd probably rent for $150+ a night.  It was about 4:30 or 5:00 when I got there, so it was cooling off, the sun was making it's way down.  I just...thinking about it...it was like I was in shock.  Maybe it was because of how nice it was, maybe it was the fact I was in the mountains, maybe it was the weather...  All those things hitting me at once, I know I was smiling like a little kid.

Mr. Hurley arrived about an hour later, and he took me out to dinner.  It's always rejuvenating talking with him.  He tells me things and asks me things that just intrigue me.  It might be because he's older or maybe because he hasn't been inside my life for that long, but I rarely leave a conversation with him disappointed.  When we got back, we watched a couple of football games, then went to sleep.

October 6, 2013:

For church we went to the community's chapel.  It was "non-denominational," but it had a liturgical, high church thrust.  The chapel itself was very nice on the inside.  The congregation was older, which I expected.  Probably not many teenagers in a community filled with $300,000+ homes on the side of a mountain.  I left the service a little disappointed.  I didn't know the songs, and there weren't many.  The service itself was short (a little under an hour). I guess I've become used to staying a little longer in the AoG church

After the service, Mr. Hurley drove me through some of the countryside outside Big Canoe.    Just half an hour away was Amicalola Falls State Park.  I hiked up the stair to the top of the falls, and, again, like a kid in a candy store.  Nature is just...gorgeous.

That was the view looking up.  The climb was fairly intense, but getting to the top was worth it.  It was crazy that this gem had been here my entire time in Georgia, and I was just now seeing it.  Mr. Hurley drove up (instead of climbing), and after a few more little sight-seeing stops, we headed back to the cabin.

The plan, or so I thought, was that Kelly was going to start driving up to Bryson City on Monday.  Turns out, he didn't plan on driving up until Tuesday.  I also thought Mr. Hurley was staying Sunday night, but he left early, so I had the place to myself Sunday night to Tuesday morning.  After Mr. Hurley left,  it was late evening, so I just flipped on some Sunday Night Football, had a little dinner and some adult beverage, and relaxed.

In retrospect, bringing my Bluetooth keyboard would make this iPhone blogging thing infinitely easier. Oh well.

...
I think I'll do this next bit of life by day to keep track of everything. Heck, I've always been an outline guy. No reason I should stop now.

Friday. October 4th:
I honestly thought that I'd be heading up to Atlanta to spend the night before the race. But, when I checked my race time, it was 11:40, so I decided just to drive up early on Saturday. I also thought I'd be doing laundry before I left, but I got a call around 4:30 from Solt's boy, Jacob, asking me if I wanted to go to "Zak Pack," which in 3 year old language means Zaxby's. I had literally just eaten, but I decided to go anyway. It's been hard knowing I'm leaving some good relationship behind. It totally slipped my mind that I'd be leaving this 3 year old as well.

My relationship with Solt is one thing that I regret not investing more into. He's not a believer, and that's part of the reason I wanted to spend time with him in the first place. Yes, the tabletop war games are fun, but getting to know him was always the first priority. In all honesty, I wasn't as intentional as I could have been, and I makes me sad to leave it where it is. It just feels incomplete, but I'll still the last week I work to get some kind of resolution... Long story short, I went out with him, his wife, and son to Zaxbys's. Then we ate frozen yogurt, and then we played this StarWars X-wing game. I probably got home around 9:00 pm, so it was a relatively full day. I realized that Mr. Hurley's cabin probably had a washer/drier, so I just made a mental note to load up my hamper before I left in the morning.

Saturday, October 5th:
I left the house a little later than I wanted to. 11:40 race time - one hour for parking and warm up - 2.5 hours of travel time = 8:00. I left about 5 after 8:00, and there was an accident on I-85 north of Lagrange. Luckily, I overestimated on travel time, so I got there right at 10:30. The race was at a horse ranch, but driving around to the parking area, I could tell this was no where near as big as the Spartan or Mudder. I'd say maybe 2 or 3000 people as opposed to the 8 or 10.000 at the others. In fact, I think 1:00 may have been the last. The other races had them going til 6 or 7 with manicurist lamps after 8.

Anyway, the rest was pretty familiar. I enjoyed this venue a lot. It was just more scenic than the other two. I found out that the race was only 6.2 miles, which was a nice surprise considering I showed up prepared to run 8. Overall, the course felt like a shorter Tough Mudder. The obstacles were similar to that, with a few exceptions. First exception was an obstacle called "Sawtooth." I'll add a link to it later, but monkey bars on steroids. Another exception was "Tazer." In the Tough Mudder version, and based on the spacing of the leads, you could run through with a minor hope of not getting bit by electricity. This one, you had to crawl through and the spacing of the leads provided no hope of getting by. I got zapped once in the middle of my back, which then jumped up into the base of my neck. Not too bad, but not fun. The last major exception was the "Colossus." It was a huge quarter pipe , taller than the Mudder one, it you had to pull yourself up with a rope. The only issue was that the previous obstacle was a muddy one. So everyone that climbed up got the rope all wet and muddy. Maintaining a grip was not easy even with the knots.

I finished at about 1.5 hours, which wasn't bad. 15 minute per mile average. I'm not sure how I feel about saying this, but I enjoyed this race more than the last. It might have been the distance or maybe just the venue, but I felt challenged without feeling completely beat up. The downhills weren't hard mountain rock, so my feet didn't hurt as bad after the race. The mud was thick, but not super gritty so crawling through it didn't wreck my knees.

Afterward, I grabbed my beer, paid for a sandwich and chips, and last propped myself up and a tree near the lake. It was great weather, and honestly a great place to run. They had a live cover band going the whole time, and they pretty good. I enjoyed the whole atmosphere more.

The only thing that bugged me about the entire event in general was the promotion. "The race built to kick your ass," was the motto. Some of the obstacles' names had sexual overtones. I understand this is an adult event, but they also had a mini course for kids, and I just felt like it was a little much.

There is no doubt about it.  Leaving Columbus is much harder than leaving Texas was.  When I left Texas, I was sad to go, but I was ready.  I had a plan, I had a beautiful girl to was going to be with, and I had a hope for what the future was going to be like.  No one likes leaving family and life-long friends behind, but it was time.  Leaving Columbus is completely different.  My "plan" is very short term.  I'm leaving that beautiful girl here in Georgia in another man's arms, and my hope for the future has waned quite a bit.  It's hard to press on in a fog.

I've had quite a few "bookend" experiences in the last month or so.

I went to worship at "theDoor" for the first time in a while.  I remember the first few times going when I first came to Columbus.  Grant was there, left, and is now back.  It was good to see some old faces again: Grant, Krissy, Caleb, Hartley, Evan, Zach...  Psalm 22 is the one Jesus quotes on the cross, yet the 3rd verse is the one that says "God inhabits the praises of His people."  I believe that.  I felt that.  I felt His Presence, and it was good.

I also flew into/out of Atlanta for my class reunion.  Most of the trips, I've flown straight out of Columbus, so it was weird going through the Atlanta airport again.  It was a little over 3 years ago when I flew into Columbus.  It was summer then, and I remember experiencing the humidity that has become oh so familiar to me working outside most of the day.  I remember us getting lost on the way back to Columbus.  I remember being in a Starbucks more that week than I had in my life.  I remember a husky dog being tied to a fence and getting a bath.  I remember old records playing.  Good times.

Most recently, I went to Lake Harding and had a little get together with some friends.  I remember going to a different lake house just half a mile from the one we were staying in.  I even drove past it to see if anyone was there.  There was unfortunately.  I remember a big house, big windows, a big kitchen, and making chili.  I could breathe that moment in all day long.

But, bookends are just that: ends.  They mark the end of a something, a section, a genre, a particular entity, and endings always make me sad.  I've fought back tears for the last two weeks.  There are things and people I will sorely miss, and I'm not sure where to put them in the catalog of my heart.  There are questions I have that I want answers to, but I'm not sure the answers would help.  I feel a little lost right now, but I know my experiences and my sorrow are not meaningless.  I have faith that God is my vanguard in this, and that He will provide for me.  The Devil is in the details.

...

I'm about to spend a week helping a friend tear down a cabin.  I'll come back, and work a week, pack up, then go back to help him start building.  That's really all I can focus on right now...  That, and running this race tomorrow.  8 miles doesn't sound so bad when you're used to 12.

I've had alot on my mind.  I have alot to say.  I have alot to think about.

But "everything that has a beginning has an end."

Tomorrow I will submit my letter of resignation with the police department.

I made a deal with God that I wouldn't message anyone else on the dating sites I have subscriptions to.  I am vulnerable right now, and I found myself spending too much time even just reviewing daily matches and seeing if anyone had responded to my messages.  I'd say I've messaged maybe a dozen girls over the four sites I'm a member of.  3 or 4 responded, but I've only sustained contact with one of those to warrant a date.  She lives near Atlanta, and as fortune would have it, I was driving through on my way to see Brandon in Nashville.

I always love doing, seeing, experiencing things that I never have before.  She told me that she'd never shot a pistol, but she wanted to learn how, so our date began at "Adventure Outdoors," which had a nice indoor shooting range.  The range technician made us both both a short safety video because we were "new" to the range.  They gave us this little "safety" card, so if we ever come back, we don't have to sit through it.  After the video, I gave a half-hour crash course on the pistol.  I took it apart, explained the pieces and the mechanics of it.  Then we went into the range, and I showed her proper grip, sight picture, stance, etc.  She shot very well, and we took the customary "first time at the range" pictures.  Those kinds of things make me happy because, no matter what, she will have that skill for the rest of her life.  She can always improve, but it's something new that will forever be a part of her.  Mr. Hurley suggested I take her to this restaurant called "Canoe."  Business casual was the dress code and valet was required, so it was definitely more upscale than I was used to.  It was borderline overkill on a first date, but she's a store manager for Lacoste, so it probably wasn't too much for her.  The food was great, and it was right on the banks of the River, so we hung around outside for a bit afterwards.  All in all, I had a good time, and she did as well.  We left separately from the restaurant.  She headed back home, and I headed to Nashville.

...

Honestly, on the way to Atlanta, I was nervous.  Do I shake her hand when we first meet?  Is a hug appropriate?  Blah, blah, blah.  I noticed myself doing that, which helped me calm down.  There was an uneasiness to it all though.  It's like working out for the first time in a long time.  You know what to do, but everything just feels so hard.  The wounds are still fresh.  I don't understand how some people move on as fast as they do.  My date was very nice though, and it was fun have to have normal, adult conversation.  It was good to experience that again.  It's one thing to know that what I went through was the exception rather than the rule; it's another thing to actually go out there and feel the difference.

At the end of the day though, I found myself wondering if it was worth it.  Is "dating but nothing serious" what I want right now?  The answer to that question is yes (key phrase being "right now), but I honestly don't want to work I hard as I did for it.  I can't afford to get attached to someone, and driving to Atlanta to meet girls just isn't worth it.  I've had a couple of people offer to introduce me to some friends of theirs, which is fine.  It's local; it's convenient, and it's low key.  If you're putting forth the effort to create a profile, search for people, then drive a couple hours to meet them, then the date is none of those things.  At the end of the day, the feeling I want will not come from these dating sites.  It's going to come from deeply emotional and spiritual connection with girl that loves me for who I am, supports me through her words and actions, and is committed to doing whatever is takes to better our relationship for the rest of our lives.

...