September 1, 2014
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I went to the Baylor game last night, and it was something else. I honestly felt like I was in Dallas or Atlanta. I parked downtown, took a shuttle to the game, and entered this amazingly awesome stadium. President Bush was there, Governor Perry was there, it was a packed house, and it just felt...big. The seating reminded me alot of Cowboy Stadium in that there really wasn't a "bad" seat in the house. Those near the end zone could see across the field to the big screen, and everyone else was pretty much on top of the action. It was a pretty cool experience overall.
...
As I was riding back in the shuttle to my car, I had a general feeling of loneliness that came over me. I was a little ashamed because I didn't want to seem ungrateful to God for the experience I just had. Overall, I really enjoyed the evening, but that feeling came, and I wanted to confront it. My experience with Rae had multiple layers, but one of those layers was filling up that space in my heart that is lonely. After Kaylin moved out, I lived by myself. The last few mud runs I'd done, I did by myself. The last Baylor game I went to, I went by myself. When I go to church, I am surrounded by people, but I sit by myself. Before the game, I was hanging out with some friends, just eating, talking, and sitting by the pool. I could have staying, but I really wanted to go to this first Baylor game. I went to the last one in Floyd Casey, and I wanted to make the first one in McLane. Looking back though, I would have just as good a time, if not better, hanging out with people I care about rather than sit and watch a football game with 45,000 strangers.
Driving home, after I'd spent some time in prayer, I realized that I need to continue to reevaluate things in my life. I ascribe value to things that maybe I shouldn't. I ascribed value to this football game, and while it was an awesome and even historic moment in history, it felt me feeling empty. As the fourth quarter started, I noticed my section thinning out a bit. I had this debate in my head whether I would stay the whole time or not, just to say I did and to take in the entire experience. A few minutes passed, and I thought to myself, "What difference does it make? Who is going to care that you stayed the whole time? Who is going to value your experience more because you stuck it out?" I honestly couldn't answer that question, or rather I could, the answer being "no one." I looked at my watch (21:50), and I got up and left.
Just to be clear, I don't mean to make this sound like I'm itching to jump into another dating relationship. Like I said, I think had I stayed by the pool hanging out, I wouldn't have had those same feelings. When you're not dating, loneliness can be cured by good community. That's not to say I'm not interested in developing a new friendship with someone I found attractive. When it's all said and done, I do want someone to experience life with. That's what I loved about being with Rae. She ran with me, she played tennis with me, she traveled with me, and she explored with me. I do miss that, but I know there are things in my life that need to be stronger before I enter into another relationship.
Anyway, the point is I ascribe value to things that maybe shouldn't hold that much value. What is attending a football game when it makes you feel lonely? What is driving a fast car when it cost so much to drive and maintain? What is a nice house when you aren't even confident you'll be there long? What's an awesome "survival knife" when you never go camping?
God is good. He is working. I am listening.
