August 13, 2014

  • Envy

    Part of why I've loved going to Antioch over the last few months has been the sermon series, "The Health of the House."  It's really hit on some deep, heart issues that have been incredibly relevant to my life.  This week was no different.

    Envy was the topic this week.  The speaker was wonderful, and his sermon was so good.  One of his illusttations was Jesus' brothers.  How crazy would it be to say your brother was Jesus?  How crazy would it be to think that his "man" existed before time?  He talked about how Jesus' hometown rejected him, but how his family was very likely at the crucifixion.  They would have watched their brother, the one who could heal the sick, the one who could walk on water, the one who had the power to forgive sins...  Envious as they might have been, they would have watched him die.  The speaker said James would have known very personally the power of envy, and in James 3:16, James says, "For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice."

    My last post talked about the peace I felt the Monday after my conversation with Rae.  I had a peace, my schedule was busy that day, and my mind didn't have time to wander...  I'll just be blunt and say that this week, it has wandered.  My life has been more or less "disordered".  I've been tempted and succumbed to "every vile practice."  While it was happening, I couldn't really explain what was causing this, what the root of it was.  If I had the peace, why was I so susceptible to these attacks?  ...  Because I'm jealous.  I'm envious of Rae.  I don't know for sure if she's seeing someone else.  Part of me thinks she would have told me, but maybe not.  Her Match account was active in June, and now it's not.  Whatever the case maybe, whether she is with someone or not, she has had a lasting peace about letting me go, and that feeling is not mutual.  I'm jealous that she may be with someone else.  Just thinking of that makes me think of all the people that I know who have gotten married in the last couple of years who are living with, enjoying the company of, having sex with their spouses.  I'm jealous that these people because, in my heart, I'm thinking that I've followed Christ deeper than they have.  I've sacrificed more, I've learned more,  and I've served more than they have.  Why do they get to be happy and not me?

    Deep breath.

    All that jealousy and envy has gotten me nowhere.  I've been frustrated and tired from it.  The speaker on Sunday talked about breaking that envious attitude with being grateful for how God has blessed other people.  Who are we to  condemn God for how He chooses to bless or gift other people?  We should rejoice with them knowing God is the Giver of all things good.  We should rejoice that our brothers and sisters have been given good things.  Our hearts should be filled with gratitude for seeing God's goodness.

    ...

    The other point the speaker made was concerning talents and gifting.  He talked about how easy it would be for the 1 talent guy to be jealous of the 2 talent guy, and the 2 talent guy of the 5 talent guy.  He gave a couple of illustrations from the Bible about people (Joseph 5 talent guy, and Anna 1 talent girl) who were not limited by their talent.  He talked about how God had bigger things for them, and how God used the circumstance of their lives to strengthen their frame, to broaden their foundation so that they might be able to stand the blessing He had for them...

    I'm honesty not sure where I fall in the "talent" spectrum, but even objectively, I feel like I could say I'm the 5 talent guy.  I've got a nice car, I'm a graduate of a private university, I have stock in Wall Street, I'm healthy and athletically talented, I'm pretty smart, and I can communicate pretty well.  I have blogged before about being "scared of success," and honestly, I think God is still working with me on that.  He wants to strengthen my frame.  He wants to broaden my foundations, and that is an exciting, yet terrifying process.  I will either be willing to be subject to that process or be the egg that C.S. Lewis spoke so bluntly of.  "...  We must be hatched or go bad."

    ...