January 14, 2015
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Beginnings Again
The next semester has begun. Another chapter unfolds.
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The sermon this past Sunday was on labels we carry with us and the freedom we can find in Christ. I usually don't find much in those sermons because I'm prideful, and I think I have it all under control. And I do for the most part. It's just the rest of it that I ignore that I shouldn't. Honestly, I came away from that sermon realizing that I do where a label that affects me on a day to day basis, and that label is "Under Achiever." My dad called me that, and in most serious conversations we have, he still feels that way. I didn't go to law school. I didn't compete in college athletics. I fell in love with the wrong person. I moved to Georgia hastily. I shouldn't be in seminary. I could go on. I've always wondering why I don't achieve as much as I could, and part of that is simply personal disciplines. I accept that fully, but I think came to realize that part of it is really that I carry that label around with me. While it frustrates me to no end, it is almost a comfort knowing that when I fall short or give up or don't quite excel, that's just part of "who I am." Thing is, that's not who God says I am. It's not who God created me to be. So, I have to get rid of it.
I'm sure I've confessed this at other points, but this time it feels different. Maybe it's because I'm older. Maybe because it's just been in my face a lot lately, but... I have really been living for myself for while. This "lesser man" idea is nice, but if I look back at my habits and my habits and my failures, I can see that a lot of it is me making decisions for me to satisfy me when I want to be satisfied. I wanted Rae...too much. It's literally been a year since I first took her out. I used to count the weeks we'd been apart. Then it was months. Now it's a year. I wanted Rae too much, not that she wasn't awesome or that we didn't click, but I let my timeline and my desires get in the way of letting God work. That's the biggest example I can think of, but it's the same for all the little things, too. I want to live how I want to live, and I don't want to adjust because then I'm not in control, but that's what surrendering your life is. This week I've made a decision to let some things go. Not that it'll all happen at once, and not that I'll be successful with everything right off the bat, but I've got to stop living for myself and live fully committed to God and His purposes for my life.
I've been called a "great guy" "full of wisdom." I think those are probably true, but it's easy to be the good listener or the sage to everyone else and hide the ever so slight lack of conviction behind everything else. God has called me to be a leader. Leaders influence people, and I want to do that for His Glory. I don't want to have any areas I would need to hide if someone examined my life. I want to be a light because there is plenty of darkness.
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It's late.
