May 4, 2010

  • El Fin

    My semester is official over.  It ended this past Friday, and I've definitely felt the mental weight come off.  I'm not sure what I made in my classes yet, but I'm just glad to be done with them.

    I've had a heavy heart for the last few days.  I've been so focused on trying to finished take home finals and papers that my relationship with God was put ont he back burner.  I think that has something to do with it.  I think it also has to do with the way my semester ended.  I think God positioned me for success this semester, and I didn't take full advantage of that. 

    We've had a couple of new people join our young adult group, but, to be honest, I don't feel like they've been received well.  It's hard to fathom that from a group of people than are not only beyond youth age but beyond college age.  It makes me mad, but that just means I need to redirect our focus to our mission and purpose as a group. 

    ...

    Yesterday's staff meeting was pretty intense.  Shelton didn't preach last Sunday because the children did the service for "Children's Day."  In the two weeks he had off, he was really convicted about the way our church is reaching the lost.  He showed us the number of baptisms from the past three or four years, and the number was pretty low.  Given that, he really spoke a word of challenge to each of us to really dig deep into our own ministries, and be more excellent and more Spirit lead in the way we do things.  I know my shortcomings, and I've worked on those some as the semester winding down has allowed me to.  I'm reading a book that's really helped me see what the big picture of youth ministry should look like.  After the meeting, Shelton asked me to come chat with him a little bit in his office, which I was more than happy to do.

    He told me he had a meeting with the Personnel Committee that didn't go well.  I don't find that surprising at all considering my lack of vision and effort the past few months.  I have done more the last couple of months trying to address certain specific things they had pointed out.  But, even if I addressed 100% of their concerns, it still wouldn't mask the underlying reality of this situation.  Shelton made the point that the things they were frustrated with me about were not signs that I'm a bad person or even a bad minister but signs that I'm just not passionate about the youth ministry.  He threw out the hypothetical of the church having $30,000 and wanting to send a missionary to China.  "Wouldn't that melt your butter?"  "Wouldn't you jump at that chance?"  Of course I would.  His point being there are things I'm passionate about other than youth ministry, things I'm better equipped to do, and I wholeheartedly agree with him.

    Sidenote:  He asked me, "Why aren't you in China right now?"  My only answer was that I felt like I needed a degree to move along on my career path.   I thought about the last time I went to China (2006), and the emotional upheaval I went through with Nicole before and after I went on that trip.  I haven't been back since.

    Because we'd had similar conversations in the last couple of months, the tone and content of this conversation was not surprising.  He paused for a minute, took a deep breath, and said, "If I were you, I'd start looking for your next option."  James, and other people familiar with church politics, have had bad experience with pastor's trying to "run off" youth pastors they don't like or aren't happy with.  I don't think that's the case here at all.  Maybe I'm just naive, but I think Shelton values me as a person and as a minister, but he understands that I'm not in the role I'm fit for...

    We talked about a timeline, what would be best for me to do when.  He's been through something similar, and I think he has everyone's best interest at heart.  He asked me to pray about everything, and I assured him I would.  Then I left. 

    The thing about it is, I've prayed for direction.  I've prayed that God provide clarity in this time of transition.  I've felt this inadequacy in my heart for a while, for a longing for something more.  I've longed for day this weight to be taken off my shoulders, and while it's an extremely heavy topic, I feel some relief.  I'm not called to lifetime youth ministry.  I've known that for a while, and unless God does something miraculous in my heart, I don't see myself ever leading a youth ministry again.  So now, I have a couple of choices.  I can just coast until my replacement gets here, or I can really try to do this right in last three or four months that I have.  I've coasted long enough, and I couldn't stand before God with that attitude. 

    ...

    I prayed for brokenness yesterday.  I feel like I have some walls built up that need to come crashing down.  Some walls highlight my own "strength" and abilities and prevent God from doing the impossible through me.  Some walls prevent love from getting out or getting in.  Some walls keep the spiritual realm and the miraculous on the outside of the intellectual and the knowable. 

    I'll continue to pray for vision and direction.  I think this was just the first step in that direction, but I'll follow wherever it's leading...

    P.S.  In not sure how much people read this, and what their sphere of influence is, but I'd appreciate anyone that does happen to read this to keep it on the down low.  This is hot off the presses, and there's an appropriate and healthy way for this situation to be communicated to others, especially my youth group.  So, that being said, if you have questions, comments, or concerns, please email/call/text/message me directly.

    Peace