Well, looks like things have come to a grinding halt.

Rae and I talked last night.  Nothing really new was said about her negative feeling about us.  After going over everything, we decided to "take a break."  Neither of us want to be "done" with the relationship until we know what's going on.  I told her that I'd wait for her to find clarity either way.  She did tell me that she did seek some wise counsel, and that one of the ladies she is close with had a similar experience with her husband.  She said this lady and her husband broke up a couple of times before finally deciding to go all in.  My uncle and his wife were the same way.  My mom broke up with my dad for three months before they got back together and married.  All that to say, it's not unheard of for this to happen, so I'm trying to take it in stride.

I'm not doing very well at it.

I haven't had a free weekend in 3 months.  My parents are actually just 20 miles from Rae right now.  I was supposed to go down there with them, our parents were going to meet, and we were going to have a good time.  Now, I'm at my parents house all alone.  The time Rae and I normally talk has come and gone, and now I sit here and type.

Why is it that you always find the little notes you forgot about during times like these?  I think the hardest part of our conversation last night was when we were talking about that feeling of "adoration" she felt like was missing.  She mentioned in her most recent email that the way I phrased something was endearing, which to me means there's still room for that sense of adoration to develop.  While I communicated that to her, she came back with "But don't you think you should feel that at the beginning?"  Ideally, yes, but I said I didn't think it had to be that way.

I could think until I was blue in the face, and it wouldn't do me a bit of good.  I just have to wait.

There are positives to all this, even if she did decided in the future that we just needed to end it permanently.  I just don't want to go there with myself right now.

I'll wait.

I hate when people post sob stories on Facebook or Twitter.  Talk to a friend.  Blog about it.  ...  Ok, I'll do that.

...

I feel like my relationship with Rae is coming to an end, and it's like...

• Playing a multi-player match of a  first-person shooter and getting killed out of nowhere.
• Signing up for a class, paying the registrar, and then going to class the first day to find out you're not on the attendance sheet.
• Watching a sporting event where your favorite team is playing great and winning by a ton.  You leave during a commercial and come back to find that the game is over, and your team lost.
• Saving up to buy a new car, going into the car dealership, and settling all the terms only to find out that your bank account is empty.

I don't know.  I don't know.

In her talking with some other ladies about it, she said "I'm sure counseling me is not easy as I can't explain a true feeling."

It bothers me.  I want to do something, say something, but there's nothing I can do.  I just have to wait for what seems like is inevitable.

I'm praying.  I'm hoping.  I'm frustrated.

I forgot to publish a draft I'd been working on.  So, technically it's only been a month since I've blogged.  Only a month :-p

...

This is a strange post to write, and you'll see why.

I've spend every weekend with Raelynn since I met her.  We've talked on the phone almost every day, usually for about an hour between 8:30 and 11:00 pm.  Our weekends moved from seeing each other one day of the weekend to spending Friday and most of Saturday to not leaving until Sunday afternoon to me spending Sunday night either at her place or her parents place, leaving very early in the morning Monday to go to work.  We haven't been able to get enough of one another, and I've loved just about every minute of it.  We've had the day to day conversations; we've had the deep, foreshadowing conversations.  She came down and shot a pistol for the first time.  I coordinated with her good friend to throw a surprise birthday dinner for her in San Marcos.  I spend Easter down there with her family.  Most recently, she flew with me to Columbus to met my former squad mates and run in a Tough Mudder with me.

We've spent a lot of time together.  We've talked about aspects of the next phase of life together.  Though friends and family are important, I've spent very little time with them because I'd rather be with her...together.

All that to say, over Easter, i noticed something wasn't quite right.  She was acting with a certain distance, and I wasn't sure why.  The next day when we talked on the phone, she told me why.  She said that though I made her happy, and she loved the way I'd pursued her and uplifted her, there was a feeling of "adoration" that was missing.  She said that because our relationship looked so good on paper, she allowed herself to downplay the importance of this feeling that was missing.  Over the last week and throughout the weekend, she's tried to explain it in different ways, but it all comes back to a certain feeling that she can't quite put her finger on.  Whatever it is, though, it's a deal breaker not to have it.

As we talked through it, she decided to go ahead and come with me to Georgia.  She said it might provide her more clarity, and she wanted to spend time with me.  On the Saturday before the race, she told me more about the feeling she was missing and how much it was bothering her.  It was bothering her to the point where she didn't know if she could continue in the relationship.

The week between Easter and the race was very hard for me.  I felt someone had just knocked the wind out of me.  There was no progression of things getting bad or big fights about anything.  It was just...getting informed one evening about a feeling she felt like needed to be there, and that we were probably done.  We even debated whether her going to GA was a good idea or not.  She eventually said she wanted to go, and honestly, I'm glad she did.  We had a great time, save for the awkward conversation on Saturday.

We came out of the weekend deciding that we would not talk on the phone but just write to each other using Facebook messages or emails.  We moved very quickly emotionally, and perhaps didn't have the relational investment to carry that.  We thought communicating with more intentionality would be a good change.  We also talked about praying over our relationship and her seeking wise counsel.  She doesn't have many older female friends, but there are a couple of older women in the church that might be able to shed some light into what exactly she's feeling.  The whole thing seems quite bizarre to me because of how suddenly it come.  I mean, we were talking about opinions on houses and weddings one week, and being very close to ending our relationship the next.  I asked her if she wanted to fight for us, and she said "Yes, but I don't have much hope."  It was comforting to know she wanted this to work, but it was disheartening to think that she didn't give us much of a chance to make it through.

...

Prayer is appreciated.

Usually I get down on myself for not blogging more often, but honestly, with my job and trying to work out after work, I usually end up getting home around 7:30 or 8.  By the time, I eat and take a shower, it's 9:00.  So, I won't give myself a hard time.

I last posted around my birthday, so updates:

Raelynn and I have seen each other every weekend since we first met.  I've hung out where she lives, met the parents and the friends, watched her coach, and attended church with her.  She's come up to see me, met the parents and the friends, experienced Crawford, played frisbee golf, and walked around Baylor.  Our relationship has evolved to where we talk just about every night.  Our conversations have moved from semi-serious "getting to know you" questions to a variety of very serious questions, "how was your day" type stuff, and just silliness.  At first, I anticipated every weekend because it meant another opportunity to get to know her, to see her personality, and witness her character.  She is doing mission work in Honduras for Spring Break, and I noticed just yesterday that I now look forward to being with her because I know who she is.

The things that drew me to her have been fleshed out.  They've been confirmed not only by spending time with her but also by what other people outside of her friends/family have told me.  I went to a fundraiser type event at the school where she works, and I had a parent of a girl she coaches come up to me and tell me what a Godly person she was.  I went to church with her a couple of weeks ago and watched her baptize one of the high school girls in her small group.  She's talked to me about conversations with her pastor about how they want to utilize her leadership skills more in the church.  Not that I ever doubted my first impressions of her, but it's nice to actually see and experience those things.

We're both at a stage of life where we know what we want, and we're ready for something serious.  In the past, dating generally in the past has seemed like a 18 to 24 month process.  You get to know the person and maybe date for a year or so.  After that, you start talking about very serious things and taking that next step.  You either know or you don't, and if you do, you get engaged.  6 to 12 months later, you get married.  While there is no "rush," time is a factor that plays into life decisions.  We both want to get a Masters degree.  We both want children, but we both want to experience marriage for a couple years before that happens.  Do the math, and that, ideally, puts marriage sooner rather than later.  That's caught us both off guard a little.  We didn't grow up around one another or live in the same place, but we trust who we are with where we are.

Either way, when you start thinking along those lines, I start thinking logistics.  I start thinking job, house, land, where to enroll in Masters program, etc.  We both were at that place a couple of weeks ago, but we decided just to enjoy the rest of the spring/summer, see how things go, pray continuously, and revisit it in August.  I'm not under a contract with my job or signed into a rental lease.  I wanted to be in the Austin area even before moving back to Texas.  I don't know all the answers, but I wouldn't be opposed to moving down there.

...

The job is going better.  I was definitely overwhelmed, but much less so lately.  I still have a sizable hill to climb, but it's Spring Break, so I'm relaxing a bit.  I will be working on it tomorrow though.

This was my birthday weekend, and I'll have to say that it's one I won't forget.  God has blessed me in ways that I rarely take the time to appreciate.

...

Friday, the 24th, was cold.  I woke up, looked at my phone, and it was 25 degrees outside.  Not that I get to school early on Fridays, but Connally was delayed until 10.  I'd texted a few people on Thursday to gauge interest in going to Austin.  I had heard back from a couple of people, but plans were still up the in air at this point.  I got to Connally, did some work, ate lunch with Dad, and we looked at a house.  Lunch was good; the house was not.  I went back to Connally and kept working.  Rae texted me and told me that school had been cancelled for her, so that was cool.  She told me she was going to drive in, but I didn't expect her til 6 or so because of school.  Now she'd be able to leave earlier and beat the traffic while there was still a little daylight left.

She arrived about 4:30, and I met her at Baylor by the Visitor's Center so she could drop off her car.  A couple of days before, I saw Cason and Jessica post a picture of them at Lover's Leap in Cameron Park.  I'd never been up there before.  At least, if I had, I couldn't remember it, so I took her up there.  It was actually pretty cool.  The view is pretty nice from up there.  Unfortunately, it was just too cold with the wind to spend much time there.  I drove her around Waco what little I could.  I hadn't prepared for an early arrival, but she didn't seem to mind.  Garett got off work at 5:00, so we went to his apartment to met up with him.  I gave her a little Garett promo before we went in.  We went in, they met, and we talked for a bit.  He asked her some of the same questions I did on our first day, which I thought was funny.  In the end, I borrowed a blanket and "The Matrix" from him, and we left for dinner.

I hadn't been to "Bangkok Royal" in a while, so I decided to take her there.  As usual, the service was terrible, but the food was very good.  After dinner, I thought it'd be cool to watch the Matrix at Lover's Leap, but I decided to change venues 1) because I thought the park might be closed and 2) because I didn't want to get shanked.  The Ferrel Center parking lot was my next choice.  I knew there'd be a lighted areas with a police patrol, and it wasn't far from her car.  So, the girl that I've seen three times and drives 2 hours to see me was totally on board for watching my favorite sci-fi movie on a laptop in the back of my car in freezing weather.  I'm seriously running out of reasons not to really, really like this girl.  We got about an hour into the movie before both of us needed to go to the bathroom, which was hilarious.

The movie ended around 11:15 or so, and I drove her back to her car.  She gave me a big hug, and I looked into her eyes, and I just wanted to kiss her.  So I asked her if I could kiss her.  She nodded, and I did.  I kinda wanted to wait until Valentine's Day to kiss her, but I couldn't wait that long.

Keisha's grandmother passed away, and the funeral was in Houston on Sunday.  She seemed pretty close to her grandmother, and so I thought it would be appropriate to go.  Houston is only a 3 hour drive from Waco.  Date #2 was set for Friday, but I could definitely make time for that.  I'd just spend the night Saturday and drive back Sunday.

I asked Rae her preference for the date, and she wanted something low key.  I tossed around some ideas out loud, and we landed on dinner at her place.  She offered to buy the groceries, which I begrudgingly allowed her to do.  Traffic was bad going through Austin.  I had training at the service center that day, and even though we got out at 3:00, I still didn't end up making it there til 6:00.  I usually don't mind the length of a drive, but traffic is a different story.  I finally got there, and she just had on jeans and a T-shirt, which was good.  I wanted to see her a little dressed down because i know that's how I'll be seeing my spouse most of the time.  I needed to just chill for a bit, so we talked on the couch for close to an hour.  Eventually, the hunger bug kicked in, so we took the groceries out of the frig, and I started making dinner.

She wanted to help of course, but my treat to her was the meal.  We continued to talk as I prepared everything.  Tilapia filets with fresh vegetables.  I've done it dozens of times before, and this time went as smoothly as any.  Everything came out great.  We shared a bottle of wine, cleaned up, and headed back to the couch.  I feel at ease and very comfortable with her.  I think part of it is just knowing that she knows I'm divorced and still chose to message me back.  The pressure was front loaded, and with that out of the way, everything else seems to be light and fluffy in comparison.  She's open and honest with me.  She asks me the type of interesting questions that I like to ask.  My plan was to book a motel in San Marcos, which I still hadn't done.  She knew I was doing that, so it approached midnight, we started winding things down.

We talked a little bit about the rest of the weekend, and I wasn't bashful about telling her I'd like to see her on the way back from Houston.  She insisted that she could meet me somewhere closer to Waco.  She edged closer to me as we looked on my phone for possible spots.  At one point she put her head on my shoulder as we looked, and I told didn't mind that at all.  That simple closeness I never want to take for granted.  I left, and I left a little too late to get a deal on a motel in San Marcos.  All the deals dropped off at midnight.  Oh well.  The room was clean, breakfast was nothing but pastries, and I left around noon for Houston.

...

I stopped by my uncle's place before going up to see Keisha.  I hadn't been to his apartment in over a decade.  It looked like he was moving out, and he told me that he planned to move to Panama.  We talked for close to 2 hours, which was good because I rarely talk with him.  His mannerisms were much like dad's, but his ability to listen was probably a little worse.  I couldn't help but smile every time he interrupted me to make a point or argue.  I guess having 3 kids and an articulate wife eventually has an effect on your conversation skills, but my uncle had not had the benefit of any of that.  He's definitely a free spirit, very against big government, and expressed that he had high hopes for me.  He didn't like the idea of me being a police officer basically because it was government work, and he felt it was below me.  He did ask about my 5 year plan, and that was one area in life I've struggled with myself.  I don't really have one.  I'm where I'm at because it was a "soft place to land" but also because it's where I felt God wanted me to be.

We ended the night eating at a very nice Mexican food place.  I prayed over the meal and ended the prayer in Jesus' name as I usually do.  He told me that he was glad I ended that way.  He said that if I hadn't, my prayer would have been worthless.  Again, I cracked a smile.  And I wonder where I get my transactional view of God from.  Overall, I'm glad I got to stop by.  Before I left, he just expressed again his hopes for me that I'd do well in life, that he had high expectations for me.  I can't imagine not having a child at age 60, to have place your own hopes and dreams in the offspring of your brothers.  It made me a little sad, but I was honored to have him think as highly of me as he did.

...

I left his house and headed to the wake.  I don't know if I'd ever heard of a wake before, but I didn't really know what to expect.  I made my way to a dark, rougher looking part of somewhere in Houston and located the church.  I know before the weekend started that I'd probably be one of, if not the only, white person attending any of these events, so I mentally prepared myself as I went in and signed the guest book.  The service had already started, so I was able to slip in the back without too many people noticing.  I got there around 7:30, and it ended around 8:30.  Honestly, apart from the music and a sermon, it was very similar to what I was used to in an actual funeral service.  After it ended, I met up with the several people that I knew.  Keisha came over and introduced me to some cousins from different places.  There was automatically an awkwardness because I'm sure everyone that didn't know me assumed Keisha and I were dating, and I got a few questions about it.  Hard to address that gracefully, but I did my best.  There was a get together at someone's house with food, etc. that we were going to, so we left for it.

Get there, more people, more awkwardness, but I'd settled into at this point.  I met a few people that I could converse with when Keisha was busy with other people.  When I left, there was a young guy about 18 or 19, and he smiled at me as I passed by.  He patted me on the shoulder and said, "Well you made it!"  His girlfriend was standing right there with him as he told me that was new to the family as well and meeting everyone for the first time.  I laughed as he said, "It's gotta be even worse for you, though."  I felt like I was in a department store near the fitting rooms, waiting with all the other males as our significant others tried on clothes.  Party to the same torture   It really wasn't that bad, but I knew what he was getting at, and I appreciated his candor.

We stayed the night at one of Keisha's aunt's house.  I went to bed around 2:00 am, but there were people up until 5:00. It didn't really bother me to much.  I didn't sleep super great, but this was the first time some of these relatives had seen each other in years, so I could totally understand.  The plan I was told originally was that the funeral was at 11:00.  However, it turned out that there was a 2nd viewing from 11 to 12:30, and the funeral started at 1:00.  After looking over the order of service, I guessed the funeral would take at least 2 hours.  Even some of the grown grandchildren in the house were complaining about how long the service was going to be, so I didn't feel bad for thinking the same thing.  All told, it ended up being about 2 and a half hours, which was ... different that I was used to.  There were people getting up and going to the bathroom halfway through like it was intermission.  I felt bad at first, but then when everyone else, including Keisha, started going, I made use of the facilities.  Over all, it was good to see Keisha and her family again.  I guess I've been gone close to three months, and leaving Columbus was not an easy decision because of the friendships I have there.  But, all good things must come to an end, so I said my goodbyes, gave Keisha a hug, and left.

...

Not that San Marcos is on the way home from Houston to Waco, but I wanted to see Rae again.  I called her as I made my way onto I-10 and let her know I was heading back.  We met in San Marcos at a little Mexican food place.  She looked great as usual, and we had a good time just talking.  I love getting to know people, so learning about her past and her quirks was fun.  After dinner, I looked up popular coffee places in town, and we found one not too far up the road.  It was a little cold, but it was a nice night to be outside, so we did.  We talked a little more about past relationships and where we were emotionally.  We're both adults, and I'm not into playing games.  I'm going to call it like I see it, tell it like it is, and it that's not cool, then at least I know where to go from there.  It got progressively colder so we ended up sitting together, and I put my arm around her.  I'm trying to be very conscious about any physical affection.  On the one hand, it was technically our third date but just the 2nd week I'd been out with her.  On the other hand, we're both out of college, we're mid to late 20s, and we've both been in a few relationships before.  This isn't new territory, but I wanted to be respectful.

The night ended, and again, we both had a great time.  It's hard to leave when things go that well.

And that was my Houston.

New movie coming out.  but seriously...

...

So, I met a girl on Match.  I did a search, and she popped out to me. [Check]  I looked through her profile pictures, and I thought she was cute.  [Check]  She had pictures of her on mission in Honduras. [Check]  First statement in her profile is that her life is sports, family, and God. [Check]  ...  So initial impressions are good.

Our date was fantastic.  She was warm, sarcastic, and go with the flow.  I can't count the number of times we were talking about things, and one or the other said "me, too" or "I'm the same way."  She loves Forrest Gump and Inception.  She's played college volleyball.  She's a coach for cryin' out loud.  On top of that, I can honestly say I felt like I had the prettiest girl in the room everywhere we went.  So there were definitely some intangibles that were good.

The next category is things that are just ... ironic.  Things that make me go "that's weird" in a good way.  Things that I would have considered in the past to be signs.  In talking with her, she knew about Antioch, which is where I've been attending church.  One of her good friends went to school with my sister.  She lives in the zone where I was looking for law enforcement jobs.  She had "Yahweh" tattooed on her wrist.  She'd been off the dating site for a solid year because of a bad experience but just happened to try it again.

...

So, for sure, I am pretty excited that I got to meet her, but I'm also very cautious.  I feel a little stuck because while I want to pursue this girl, I also know that I've only been home for a couple of months.  I haven't even got plugged into Antioch yet.  I wanted to take a class in seminary during the summer, and maybe get plugged back in there.  On the one hand, it seems like she's just about everything I've been looking for.  On the other hand, I don't want to jump into anything too soon.

I say to myself, "You're in no rush.  You don't have to make any decisions right now."  I say that, but I've really been praying for someone special, and I really had a good time with her, and so while I'm not in a "rush," I am very much wanting to find that special someone.

I'm conflicted.

This has  been the most emotionally packed weekend that I've had in quite some time.

For the last two or three weeks, I just felt compelled to pray for someone in particular.  I've prayed on and off for them for the past few months, but this was something different.  It was a stirring of the heart.  It was a sharp and direct.  I was a little strange considering my former attachment to this person and my current circumstance.  As the days went on and the feeling remained, I started thinking, "I wonder when this feeling is going to end?"  I wasn't sure what was going on, but I just felt weird.  A few days ago, it got to the point where I was going to send a few people that know her a Facebook message just asking them to agree with me in prayer.  Well, on Thursday, I found out that this person got married the very day I was going to send that message.  When I found out, it all made sense, and I couldn't help but be in awe of connection possible between people and with God.  When I found out, I felt a sense of relief because I could finally trace the weird feeling to the source.  That night, I said a prayer for her and her new husband, and that feeling, that direct compulsion to pray for her went away.  In any case, that was pretty emotionally heavy for me.

On Friday, we had a staff meeting for my job from 8:30 to 3.  It was a long day, but the bottom line is that I found out even more stuff that I have to do.  We got done at 3, and I went home tired and with a headache.  I am behind already because of how the previous coordinator left.  I feel like it's been everything I could do just keep things running while making the necessary structure changes.  Now I found out that there are hours more of data entry that I have to do, and I came that Friday and just wanted to nap on the bed forever.  Overwhelmed is an understatement.  I'm probably going to email my supervisor today and just have a heart to heart with her.  Not that I'm going to quit, but I think I need to adjust my expectations.  I probably need to work more than 40 hours a week.  I've heard her talk about working over before, but I'm not positive I'll get any over time or comp time for it.  It I don't, I guess that's ok, but I'd just like to know to expect that.  God has been faithful in providing me more help this week, so there are good things happening.  It's just still up uphill battle, and I'd like to work as hard as I can to get to the top of that hill.

I met a girl online a couple of weeks ago.  I sent her a message, and I could tell she read it.  She looked at my profile, but no response.  A day went by, and she winked at me.  When that's happened to me in the past, it's been because they like your profile but can't respond because they don't have a paid subscription.  So, I sent a wink back just to let her know the interest was obviously mutual.  The next day, I checked back in, but still no response to my message.  I thought, at the risk of seeming too forward, I'll message her again.  Fortune favors the bold, right?  It was something short but more direct in terms of wanting to hang out.  The moment immediately after I sent it, I get a notification that she's responded to my first message.  Ah!  So, kinda the way it came off was that I didn't read her message at all, didn't answer any of her questions, and I really wanted to see her.  Not the first impression vibe I wanted to put out, so I quickly answered her back and explained what happened, and it went smoothly from there.

We went out on Saturday, and I've not enjoyed a day that much in a very long time.  I took her to a park that neither of us had been to.  It was honestly terrible.  Not inherently so, but apparently there was a massive flood back in October, so there were dead trees and limbs everywhere along the sides of the trail.  The trees that weren't completely dead were dying and leaning severely in the direction of the flood waters.  They hadn't had a chance to clear it out at all, so while it was not great to look at, I think it could be nice in the summer.  Either way though, it was a beautiful day, so we walked and talked on the trail for a good 3 miles or so, and the scenery didn't bother us a bit.  For dinner, I took her to The Shady Grove, which was recommended to me by a friend.  The food was good, large portioned, and reasonably priced.  Grabbed coffee afterwards and talked more.  To finish the evening, she took me to a mini-mountain where she lived where you could see for miles around.  It was probably 10 pm when we got there, and it was beautiful.  We had to do a little driving and climbing to get there, but there wasn't a cloud in the sky.  I honestly could have stayed there all night and talked; it was that awesome.  I got her back home around 11:15, and we said our goodbyes.  I asked if I could call her again, and she said absolutely.  All told, I drove almost 400 miles on Saturday, and it was worth every inch.

And today, Sunday, I just need to rest and soak it all in.  James' church plant is having their first service tonight, so I'll probably go.

Duces.

It's 2014. Isn't that crazy?  It's been a month since my last post.  I'm sorry.  I've been to Ireland over the New Year.  I'll talk about it later, but I need to talk about something else first.

...

I have struggled mightily with putting God first these last few weeks.  My attention, consciously and unconsciously, has very much been on finding someone special to live life with.  When the Bible says, "the two will become one flesh," it means that.  The tearing apart of that union still resonates in my being.  The emptiness and the pain are things that I have to fight against on an almost daily basis.  Part of it is the loneliness, the absence of that other half.  Part of it is the confidence that the half that I have left is desirable, loveable, and important.

I have struggled with the latter more so.  I usually can find some way to occupy my time whether it be through friends, hobbies, or entertainment.  Loneliness is something that attacks quickly out of the shadows then retreats.  The confidence is more ... overwhelming.  Things that have happened, things that have been said... made me believe that the things I was confident in were not reality.  I've wondered about how warm and loving my family is to people outside of it.  I've wondered about how warm and valuable I am.  I've wondered about whether how I conduct myself really is worth anything.  I'm usually good at analogies, but the best I can come up with on the spot is like...someone telling you that the toothpaste you've been using all your life is actually feces.  It never tasted like that to you before; it never smelt like that before.  But, the more it is repeated, the more the perceived reaction is negative toward it, and the more you start to believe it yourself.  The thing that you once thought was good and helpful becomes disgusting and vile.  The bottom line is: it would be very hard to want to brush your teeth with "feces" ever again, so you just stop.  It's not until you remove the lies, remove the reactions, remove the confusion that things seem right again.

I went to Ireland with my grandparents, my parents, and my sister.  The random strangers from all over the globe that we traveled on tour loved my family.  I got compliments about every single one.  I was in the hotel bar at 3 AM on New Year's Day after having come in from downtown Dublin, and some members of our tour were still there.  They didn't talk to me about the trip; they talked about my how much they loved my family.  They talked about how much they enjoyed getting to know us.  We shared our emails the first part of the trip, and I've already received two emails from people expressing how much they enjoyed getting to know me over the trip.  Random people...

The pain and sorrow of not having a significant other with me traveling was intense.  The frustration of making memories in a foreign country without that special someone was tangible.  But, God used that trip to rebuild my confidence in my faith, my family, and the way I do life.  He reminded me that He has resources that I knew nothing about, that He knows my wants and desires more fully than I do.  He loves me, and I needed to be reminded that that's enough sometimes.

In my quiet time this morning, I was reading 2 Corinthians 4: 10, which says "Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies."  I guess I could feel that I was suffering.  I could feel an absence, but I couldn't really put it on anything.  I couldn't really ground it in my mind.  Not that being single on a trip is anything compared to what Christ went through, but I was reminded that He felt loneliness.  He struggled with how things were going, and how things were happening.  He may have doubted whether what He'd done leading up to the Cross was right.  To be able to rest my suffering on Christ, to ground it in His experience has really made a difference.   Afterwards, God raised Him up.  God restored Him.  God's divine will and resources were made manifest in the Resurrection, and to know that...being where I've been, has made 2014 seem a much brighter place.

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Peace

Thanksgiving was at my grandparents' house in Bowie, TX.  Lindsay and I left Crawford early to pick up Andrew and Catarina from the airport.  His plane got in around 1:00, and we got to Bowie around 2:30.  Mom and Dad came later in the afternoon.  We didn't do anything special...just talked and ate.  I stayed at the their house for the night while the rest of the crew went to my uncle's house out in the country.  It was convenient for me to stay, and I knew Granny would need help setting things up for the meal the next day.

On Thursday, we prepared for 18 people, half of whom I'd met at various times in my life but didn't really know.  There ended up being 21, but we were able to fit everybody in.  The food went quickly, but so did cleaning up.  Lindsay, Catarina, and I had a good dishwashing/rinsing/drying line going, so it didn't take too long.  Of course there's always a big afternoon and evening football game on.  We all watched the games, and people trickled out as they had to drive back from whence they came.  Sleep arrangements were the same.  Papa and I stayed up late watching the Mavericks.

On Friday, Mom, Dad, and Lindsay hit a couple of stores, then went home.  Andrew, Cat, and I went to the Parks Mall in Arlington.  Cat met up with some old college friends there, and Andrew and I watched the new Hunger Games movie.  Crawford was still in the playoffs for football, so we drove to Waxahachie to watch them play at 7:30.  After the game, we met up with Cat and drove home.

Saturday, we were all supposed to go to the Baylor/TCU game, but I just didn't feel up to it.  I'd done alot of driving, and I didn't like the idea of driving to the Metroplex (again) and getting back late (again).  Andrew wanted Cat to see Baylor, so I drove them around campus and did the little mini tour.  We met up with the parents in Waco, and they took off for TCU.

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Things of note:

Being in Bowie and certain places in my grandparents house made me realize 1) how many memories I have repressed and 2) how many good memories I'd like to make.  I was almost taken back by memories that flooded into my head that I'd totally forgotten about.  Obviously bad memories, and obviously further evidence that I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.  It made me think about other stressful times in my life, other events that I've blocked from my memory...

I had a great Thanksgiving.  It was great to see Andrew and Cat, my grandparents, and just catch up with everyone.  I want to have more good memories there because the time is going short for that.  I heard both of my grandparents refer to their death on multiple occasions, and yes, I realize they won't live forever, but I don't ever remember them talking about it so regularly.  I want my Papa to see a great-grandchild.  I want take my kids to the farm, for them to feed cows, and see baby calves.  I want them to know Papa, and I know that time is not on my side.

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And I ate too much.  And I feel large.  I've devised a new prayer time/workout schedule.  I've got a Mudder in April to train for, and those 12 miles aren't getting any shorter!