June 24, 2014
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Still Raining...
I cannot believe it's almost been a month. It's funny how slow things go sometimes until you look up and see that weeks have passed. It's still raining...or about to, anyway. There was a huge rain a couple days ago, and every day this week has a 30% chance of it. It's been a cooler summer than usual. I don't mind it at all.
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Update on Rae: I've felt like she's been distancing herself from me. I've written email drafts that I don't care to drudge through here. I know she wants to get back into the dating scene, and I know our friendship will make that process more complicated. She and I met for lunch on Saturday. I invited her to a group event wake boarding, but she declined, and I knew she would. Near the end of our time, she just pointed out that even the fact I would drive 3 hours round trip just to have lunch communicates something for than "just friends." I couldn't disagree, of course. She has a friend, Tamara, that doesn't live near her but that she still keeps up with by phone on a regular basis. We decided our friendship probably needed to fall into that category.
Honestly, it felt like another break up. I'd disabled/hidden all my dating site profiles, and my interaction with her was really all I had left. A text message every other day, a funny Snapchat once in a while...something. It helped me hold on to hope. The drive home from Austin was emotional but hopeful. God has placed me in a church with tons of young, Christian singles. He's placed me at a seminary with the same. Baylor university is a major hub for both of those two places, so between the three, there is every reason to think there can be other prospects out there. Even if there are not, I do believe I need this time to myself. I need this time this summer with God. My relationship with Rae taught me that there are things in my life that need to change. There are still holes in my heart that need healing. There is trust in my God that needs building. There is an spiritual intimacy that needs exploring.
Those things wouldn't happen if I was in a relationship. Those things wouldn't happen without time. Those things wouldn't happen with Rae in the near background.
On the flip side, I very well may not be the best fit for Rae, but unless she dates, she won't know. This time for her could be just as critical as it is for me in the sense that she may find her match, or she may find that there was something to "us." I feel like I've built a friendship with her, built a place in her heart that's strong enough to last a few months of testing and trying. I'm not sure at what point I will ask for other chance, a reconsideration. There is much I hope to change and much I hope will be different about me and my life in two or three months. I know, even now, I am not the same person I was in January. I'm not the same person I was in April. What I do know, though, is that I'm not there yet. Articulating all the ways and all the things that could be different about dating again is not the same as being there, in that future time, articulating all the ways and all the things that are different.
Either way, God is good. He is faithful. He knows my needs, her needs, and when those needs should be met. This summer, as many others in my past have been, will not be about a girl or a goal, but it will be about a God and my friendship with Him. My focus will be Him, and I'll let things fall where they may.
