Considering I haven't blogged in a month, I supposed two in a day isn't too strange.

...

Discipline.  Consistency.  Excellence.  These are all things that I want to be staples of my life, and I genuinely feel like I've had those before.  I guess most vividly, I'd say High School was a time when I feel like I was close to these things.  Granted my schedule was more or less completely planned out, I had no financial responsibilities, and life was relatively easy.  However, no matter the circumstances, it was the environment that enabled me to be disciplined, to be consistent, and to excel.  It's the natural course of life to be given more and more responsibility.  At this point in my life, I have can make decisions about my schedule.  I make decisions on my finances, how to handle them, how to earn a living.  I make decisions on whether my life is relatively simple and easy or whether it is challenging and involved.  I create the environment that I'm in, and whether or not I obtain those three things depends on the choices I make.

As I have trained for my upcoming Tough Mudder and Spartan Race, I've learned alot about myself.  I already knew  I was a sprinter at heart and that I thought like a sprinter.  Battling that mindset is difficult.  Wanting and fighting for the short term gain, the instant gratification, the immediate payout is just part of who I am.  The only problem with that is life isn't that way.  God (usually) doesn't work that way.  Things take time, situations have to develop, circumstances have to evolve.  I've heard it said before that " heart work is hard work."  It takes time.  It's a marathon, not a sprint.

There are so many things I can look back on in my life and say that just a small change could have made a huge difference.  Giving up a small bad habit, getting into a small good habit could have changed my entire life.  Living for God is easy if you only give up 90% of your life.  It's that last 10%, it's that last little bit that I hold onto that is the toughest.  Training for these races, I want to be trim.  I want to be in shape, and "cut," and lean.  I've been eating less and working out more, but there still comes the opportunity to eat poorly, to snack on (too much) chocolate, to skip a workout, to eat that extra helping.  And lately, after I have given into temptation, after I have done something I know I shouldn't have, the only thing I can ask myself is "Is it worth it?"

There's no law or statute saying I can't browse online dating sites.  There's no rule that says I can't have chocolate.  There's no regulation against missing a workout.  But the question remains:  "Is it worth it?"  Is it worth knowing I, instead, spent meaningful time with God...  That I stuck with food that is nutritious and wholesome...  That I was disciplined enough to fight through apathy.  AND, not only it is worth it, but is it worth it every...single...time?  Is that vision of what I want my body to look like, my heart to look like, my soul to look like...  Is it worth it?  When I fail, when I fall, my mentality and my answer to that is obviously "No," yet immediately upon stumbling, my eyes are opened, the vision becomes clear again, and I think "Yes, it is."

Just so I'm being honest, I've fallen today.  I've eaten nothing for dinner except chocolate covered berries and brownies.  It's almost 9:00, and I haven't worked out yet.  I've spent too much time "relaxing" and didn't carve out time for God's Word.  That's just today, and it's not most days, but it is today.

Paul says, "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."  God can do anything, but I know that "immeasurably more" begins with thinking, dreaming, seeing, expecting, and being "immeasurably more" myself.  I want that.  He wants that.  It is worth it.

I cannot believe it's almost been a month.  It's funny how slow things go sometimes until you look up and see that weeks have passed.  It's still raining...or about to, anyway.  There was a huge rain a couple days ago, and every day this week has a 30% chance of it.  It's been a cooler summer than usual.  I don't mind it at all.

...

Update on Rae:  I've felt like she's been distancing herself from me.  I've written email drafts that I don't care to drudge through here.  I know she wants to get back into the dating scene, and I know our friendship will make that process more complicated.  She and I met for lunch on Saturday.  I invited her to a group event wake boarding, but she declined, and I knew she would.  Near the end of our time, she just pointed out that even the fact I would drive 3 hours round trip just to have lunch communicates something for than "just friends."  I couldn't disagree, of course.  She has a friend, Tamara, that doesn't live near her but that she still keeps up with by phone on a regular basis.  We decided our friendship probably needed to fall into that category.

Honestly, it felt like another break up.  I'd disabled/hidden all my dating site profiles, and my interaction with her was really all I had left.  A text message every other day, a funny Snapchat once in a while...something.  It helped me hold on to hope.  The drive home from Austin was emotional but hopeful.  God has placed me in a church with tons of young, Christian singles.  He's placed me at a seminary with the same.  Baylor university is a major hub for both of those two places, so between the three, there is every reason to think there can be other prospects out there.  Even if there are not, I do believe I need this time to myself.  I need this time this summer with God.  My relationship with Rae taught me that there are  things in my life that need to change.  There are still holes in my heart that need healing.  There is trust in my God that needs building.  There is an spiritual intimacy that needs exploring.

     Those things wouldn't happen if I was in a relationship.  Those things wouldn't happen without time.  Those things wouldn't happen with Rae in the near background.

On the flip side, I very well may not be the best fit for Rae, but unless she dates, she won't know.  This time for her could be just as critical as it is for me in the sense that she may find her match, or she may find that there was something to "us."  I feel like I've built a friendship with her, built a place in her heart that's strong enough to last a few months of testing and trying.  I'm not sure at what point I will ask for other chance, a reconsideration.  There is much I hope to change and much I hope will be different about me and my life in two or three months.  I know, even now, I am not the same person I was in January.  I'm not the same person I was in April.  What I do know, though, is that I'm not there yet.  Articulating all the ways and all the things that could be different about dating again is not the same as being there, in that future time, articulating all the ways and all the things that are different.

Either way, God is good.  He is faithful.  He knows my needs, her needs, and when those needs should be met.  This summer, as many others in my past have been, will not be about a girl or a goal, but it will be about a God and my friendship with Him.  My focus will be Him, and I'll let things fall where they may.