May 9, 2014
-
Sunset.
Yesterday I got the call I'd been waiting on for nearly over a week. We talked for almost 3 hours, and as with all good things, "we" came to an end.
She said she missed me. She said she missed our conversations. She said she found comfort being held in my arms. She said she loved my pursuit of her, the way I conducted myself, and how I lived my life. Despite all that, she wanted a feeling that just wasn't there. It bothered her that it hasn't come yet, she wasn't hopeful that it would, and she didn't want to prolong what she felt was inevitable, so she didn't see any other way to proceed other than to break up. I asked questions. I tried to wrap my head around it. I tried to see if there was anything that could be done to make "us" work. After 3 hours of that, all that could be said was "when you know, you know," and there's no arguing, no reasoning, no working around that.
I called out of work today. Though I've been preparing myself for the worst, I still did hope for the best. There was one moment in the conversation where I thought she was going to say that things had changed, but it was one of those long sentences with the "but" in the middle. I hate that we didn't work out. He hate that I have notes and memories from a great girl that I will, once again, have to throw away. I have pictures up on my Facebook of her and I. I hate that I now have new relationships with family members and friends that I just have to let die, again. That's life, though.
...
This relationship was good for me. It showed me that there are normal, attractive Christian girls out there who appreciate someone like me. Coming out of where I've been, I had parts of me that believed there were serious character flaws in me that would doom any relationship, and those negative voices have been silenced. I think it's built my confidence in myself that I am capable of attracting the kind of girl that I'd like to be with, and my methods of doing that work. Being divorced definitely clouded that those truths, and it's nice to be out from under them.
...
This sucks, but it is what it is.
