April 29, 2014
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Clarity
I forgot to publish a draft I'd been working on. So, technically it's only been a month since I've blogged. Only a month :-p
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This is a strange post to write, and you'll see why.
I've spend every weekend with Raelynn since I met her. We've talked on the phone almost every day, usually for about an hour between 8:30 and 11:00 pm. Our weekends moved from seeing each other one day of the weekend to spending Friday and most of Saturday to not leaving until Sunday afternoon to me spending Sunday night either at her place or her parents place, leaving very early in the morning Monday to go to work. We haven't been able to get enough of one another, and I've loved just about every minute of it. We've had the day to day conversations; we've had the deep, foreshadowing conversations. She came down and shot a pistol for the first time. I coordinated with her good friend to throw a surprise birthday dinner for her in San Marcos. I spend Easter down there with her family. Most recently, she flew with me to Columbus to met my former squad mates and run in a Tough Mudder with me.
We've spent a lot of time together. We've talked about aspects of the next phase of life together. Though friends and family are important, I've spent very little time with them because I'd rather be with her...together.
All that to say, over Easter, i noticed something wasn't quite right. She was acting with a certain distance, and I wasn't sure why. The next day when we talked on the phone, she told me why. She said that though I made her happy, and she loved the way I'd pursued her and uplifted her, there was a feeling of "adoration" that was missing. She said that because our relationship looked so good on paper, she allowed herself to downplay the importance of this feeling that was missing. Over the last week and throughout the weekend, she's tried to explain it in different ways, but it all comes back to a certain feeling that she can't quite put her finger on. Whatever it is, though, it's a deal breaker not to have it.
As we talked through it, she decided to go ahead and come with me to Georgia. She said it might provide her more clarity, and she wanted to spend time with me. On the Saturday before the race, she told me more about the feeling she was missing and how much it was bothering her. It was bothering her to the point where she didn't know if she could continue in the relationship.
The week between Easter and the race was very hard for me. I felt someone had just knocked the wind out of me. There was no progression of things getting bad or big fights about anything. It was just...getting informed one evening about a feeling she felt like needed to be there, and that we were probably done. We even debated whether her going to GA was a good idea or not. She eventually said she wanted to go, and honestly, I'm glad she did. We had a great time, save for the awkward conversation on Saturday.
We came out of the weekend deciding that we would not talk on the phone but just write to each other using Facebook messages or emails. We moved very quickly emotionally, and perhaps didn't have the relational investment to carry that. We thought communicating with more intentionality would be a good change. We also talked about praying over our relationship and her seeking wise counsel. She doesn't have many older female friends, but there are a couple of older women in the church that might be able to shed some light into what exactly she's feeling. The whole thing seems quite bizarre to me because of how suddenly it come. I mean, we were talking about opinions on houses and weddings one week, and being very close to ending our relationship the next. I asked her if she wanted to fight for us, and she said "Yes, but I don't have much hope." It was comforting to know she wanted this to work, but it was disheartening to think that she didn't give us much of a chance to make it through.
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Prayer is appreciated.
