August 2, 2010

  • Recent Reflections

    I haven't blogged in what seems like forever. Two weeks from the looks of it. I was reminded in my quiet time yesterday how important it is "carve out" time in my schedule to spend with God. The later in the day it gets, the more likely it is that something will happen, someone will ask of my time, somewhere I'll be needed. My thoughts have been kinda hazy lately, so this is me carving out time to some my thoughts out.

    The Beach Trip was good. I can't think of a time in my life where I intentionally had nothing to do for an entire week, so the trip might have even qualified as my first real vacation. There was seaweed on the beach the first few days, but the water cleared up toward the end of the week. Jeremy and Lauren got engaged on Monday night. I got a hard time from several people in regards to my leaving, but it was all in good fun. Kaylin enjoyed herself. I realized close to the middle of our stay that I really did ask alot of her, spending a week wearing next to nothing (I'm talking swimsuit here) with people didn't know at all. She handled everything great, even the grilling she got about why she was taking me away or why she didn't just move to Texas.

    When things would quiet down or maybe while we were all talking or playing games, Kaylin would say to me, "I like [insert name here]." I'm sure she said that about most of the people there. My response was always, "I like them, too." Every time she said it, I was just reminded of how much I have in my group of friends...and how much I'm going to miss them.

    ...

    My Leaving has been slowly eating away at me. "It's not how you start but how you finish." I'm not sure that I'm finishing very well. The closer I get to leaving, the more I'm reminded of the things I could have done better, the things I should have spent more time on. I'm reminded of my failures not only in ministry, but also just in life in general. Going to church yesterday felt strange to me. The sermon was great, the worship was good, but I just felt out of place. I can tell that the youth are starting to pull away from me a bit, and that's hard to take. Before I left for camp, I felt intimately involved; I felt like a player in the game. On Sunday, I really did feel like an interim, a stand-in, a placeholder.

    Part of that has to do with the youths' reaction to me leaving, but most of it has to do with my relationships with the other staff, particularly Shelton. I don't know that I've had a sit down meeting with him in months. I've been gone, and he's been gone, but he's got his agenda, his gameplan for the church, and I'm not longer a part of that.

    [James just called me to go running with him! Awesome! And, I'm back. That was fun!]

    Anyway, it's just weird to work there now. I'm going to have to clean out my office at some point. I feel like I've not "finished" very well in the midst of all the changes taking place in my life. I'm my worst critic, but I've navigated things poorly, and I'm trying deal with my deep sense of regret. I don't want 2.5 years of work to be for naught. I want to be remembered in a positive light, and for some, I think I will be. I just hate knowing I will not be in the minds of some that I know and respect.

    ...

    I feel like God and I have been distant lately. We've had a couple of good talks in the past couple of days though. I'm incredibly blessed to have what I have in my friendships, in my health/well-being, in my resources/material processions, and in my relationship with Kaylin. He's got a plan for me, but despite knowing all these things, I'm fighting back a little bit. I don't really know why. I guess somewhere deep down, I don't like change. I like my niche. But then again, at times, and maybe even most times, I am "far too easily pleased." Our conversations have been about obedience, love, and the connection between the two. Apparently, they are very closely related :-p

    ...